33 weeks 2 days

I'm going crackers! I don't know what it is, but i've been getting obsessed with being a property developer and buying us a new house on the new estate near where we live. This is all fine, but for starters there's no way we can afford the house that i want and there's nowhere for me to get the capital from to begin property development!

If i analyse myself i guess it stems from not being at work for so long - like my mind is reaching for something to do. Researching properties to develop and how to start up doing it and looking at houses for sale is occupying my time. Fine. I guess the reason i want to move us into a bigger house could be something to do with my nesting instinct. I can't get to nest at home because we're in the middle of having the bathrooom done, which means that i can't get to anything to do any nesting until it's finished. So it's like i'm looking outside the home to get ready for baby...

Now, i do have logical reasons for my dreaming of these things too. Firstly, i need money to buy the dream house... about £90-100K would enable us to remain on the same mortgage we are on now, but living in the dreamhouse. There's no way on this earth that we could afford to buy that house, live in it and pay the mortgage if we had to borrow the extra £100K we need. Not even if i was working full time, which i won't be doing for the next year while the baby is little.

To make this money i could try developing a property or two... I really, really think i could do it! I am PRINCE2 qualified, which is a project management qualification. Now, i've touched on using it at work, but not properly. I want to really get my teeth into it and use what i learned to my advantage. I could use the time i'm going to be off work next year to try my first development and see how it goes for me, while still being able to go back to work at the end of it all if it doesn't work out. Fortunately i know someone trustworthy that could advise me on what would need doing to a property and how much it should cost. Then, because he's mega busy and probably wouldn't be able to actually do the work at least he could recommend someone or at the least i'd know from his recommendations what things should cost and not be ripped off.

I've seen the perfect starter development too. I know the market i would aim it at, the approximate budget i would have to spend and a rough idea of the value post renovation. I've even looked at the floor plans and rejigged everything in my mind.

The only problem is that i don't have any money with which to do this. Banks won't even lend 100% of the value of a property, nevermind 100% and then some on top to develop! And we don't have a spare £100K laying around. I know you have to have money to make money and that just makes me sulk. I can do this!

I get that feeling that i will look back in a few years time when i no longer have the opportunity to do this and be kicking myself for not just doing it. I wish i were more brave!

So yeah, my minds been occupied with dreams of things i'll likely not be able to do. It makes me sulk that i don't just have money to invest in stuff like this. I was watching Homes Under The Hammer the other day (which is probably not helping to put me off this) and there was a couple that had won £2.6 million on the Lottery. When they'd quit their jobs for a while and been on loads of holidays they decided that they needed something to focus on, so they went into property development. I was so jealous! Not of their lottery win, but more that they were able to do something that they really enjoyed doing without the crippling worry that one false move could cost them their home or whatever.

33 weeks 1 day

Me and the other half went for a scan today to check the baby's growth. It's still growing well and the weight was estimated at about 5.3lbs already! There was a problem with the fluid levels in that they are low. They're on the 5th centile, which is still within normal range, but low. The consultant said that if it was anyone else they probably would just leave me for two weeks until my next scan, but because it's me they are going to scan me in a week and check up on it. I came home and researched it and basically i just need to keep myself hydrated. The consultant said it could just be that the baby hasn't had a wee for a while. LOL!

I have only gained 200g since my last appointment, making my total weight gain just over 13lbs. Although, according to my maternity notes i've only gained almost 4kg. I know that's not true though cause the scales were well out on my first weigh in! I weighed 70kg, which was far too much compared to both scales we have at home. The midwife did say that they are sometimes out because they get kids coming and jumping up and down on them!

So, just trying not to worry about that fluid level. Everything else was good. Sugars were fine and i was told to continue as i am. They did tell me off cause i had a spike in my sugars. I explained that it was because i retested myself for gestational diabetes using the NHS guidelines and they laughed at me. I know i'm a geek! The husband said "that's what you end up doing when you're at home all day long!"

We're in the middle of getting our bathroom done at the moment and MFI have gone into administration. I wouldn't mind, but because of this the supplier is refusing to replace the sink (cracked) and i have to try to get a refund from MFI who are unreachable at the moment because every man and their dog is trying to contact them for the same or similar things! Thankfully because we bought it on our VISA card we are covered for buying the replacement. Right now i'm waiting to hear back from the supplier with a price for just buying a replacement direct from them and then sorting it out with MFI afterwards. Never mind the fact they're the suppliers, so it's THEIR sink that THEY cracked. ::big eye roll:: I could just do without this, you know.

32 weeks 5 days

I got some maternity photos taken on Saturday and they turned out brilliant!! I love them! It's made me want a studio though so i can take some studio shots too. Seriously i really need to convert our garage or something.

The baby is being a little quiet this morning and i'm having some braxton hicks contractions. I'm still getting the odd nudge though, so i'm not too worried. Still considering going to the hospital like, but i'll see how we go for the rest of this morning. S/he may just be asleep and i am getting the occasional poke.

My head is well and truely done right in by having the bathroom refurb'ed. I am sick to death of feeling like i can't go to the toilet because there's no door on and the tiler is in there working. There's dust everywhere and i can't get anywhere to clean or do any sorting. I want to get to the nursery, but it's inaccessible, all the stuff from the bathroom is piled up in there and there's a layer of dust all over the baby's things. ARGH!! I am still glad we got this done before the baby arrives though. I can't imagine coping with this with a baby in the house!

I've got a growth scan on Thursday and a diabetic appointment, which i'm looking forward to. Apart from a blow out yesterday at the in laws for Sunday dinner, i've been very, very good with my diet, so my sugars have been low.

My weight gain so far has been 13.5lbs.

31 weeks 6 days

I have nested today! I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom and sorted out all the drawers and cupboards. I moved everything out of all the cupboards and containers within cupboards and made sure things were stored correctly - curtain hooks in one tin, nails and screws in another, bumbs and batteries in another. I adjusted the shelf heights in the cupboards so that i could get best use out of the space and made sure that all the things we access most frequently are within easiest reach.

I went through all the food and threw out everything out of date and did the same with the medicines. All of the cupboards etc. got disinfected and everything was put back.

I feel so great about it! Sooooo satisfying!

Now i just need to get my hands on the nursery, but it is looking like it will be a couple of weeks before i can get in there with the bathroom being finished and everything.

31 weeks 3 days

I'm going into town this evening! An old friend is visiting from down South, so there are a few of us going out. I'm really looking forward to it and hope that i can stay out for a while!

Just thinking about what to have for tea... Maybe beans on brown toast... There's nothing in to cook and i can't really have a pizza or anything like that. I need low carb, no sugar, high protein goodness! Oh, i forgot to mention yesterday that i only put 600g on in two weeks since my last diabetic clinic appointment! Yeah!! That means that i've put less than a stone on throughout the whole pregnancy. So as annoyingly depressing and miserable this diabetic diet is making me, at least it's stopping me from piling on the pounds.

What else can i say... The baby is moving fine and has hiccups three or four times per day, which means that s/he takes after his/her dad who has them all the time. It's head down again at the moment, so the kicks are more familiar to me than they were last weekend when they'd slowed down.

That's it! Nothing else to report. :o)

31 weeks 2 days

I went to the diabetic clinic yesterday. Everything checked out fine and they're happy with my blood sugars. I asked about my eating chocolate. I have been eating it because they told me i was borderline and if it wasn't for my history they wouldn't have even monitored me. Plus, i have been eating a vastly reduced amount of sweet stuff compared to what i would normally eat.

Anyway, the nurse told me that i shouldn't be telling her that. Ha ha! i explained my reasoning for thinking it was okay to eat and said that i'd rather mention it and be truthful if there's a chance it's not doing good. She explained that although my sugar levels are evidently good, any sugar i eat will simply cross the placenta and make the baby put weight on, so no, i shouldn't be eating it.

That sucks.

Supermarket shopping makes me miserable cause i just spend ages picking up things i know i can't eat, but i;m hoping that by some miracle they will be low in sugar and i can have them. Well, nothing ever is! All the good stuff has sugar in it. Either actual sugar or hidden in carbs. You never notice just how much sugar you're consuming until you're told you can't have it!

So, yeah, that's making me morngey. Trying to remember that it's all good for the baby though. I only have a maximum of 8 weeks left, so it isn't long to go and i should try not to let the fact that i can't eat what i like over Christmas piss me off too much. LOL!

For the baby, for the baby, for the baby...

30 weeks 5 days

I went into the hospital today to get a trace done. The baby is absolutely fine and the trace looked great apparently.

I'd been worried because the baby didn't seem to be moving as vigorously as usual. About a week ago it was making huge movements and kicking all over, but then it slowed right down to more pokes and prods. I wasn't REALLY worried because it was still moving and often. Plus, i had heard the heartbeat every day with my doppler. It's just that i knew i would feel reassured if i went for the trace, and i also got to thinking that if anything did happen, i would blame myself for not going in when i'd considered it.

It's just so hard to rely on my intuition. All the books and websites i read tell you that you should listen to your intuition and if you feel that something is "not quite right" you should take heed and get seen. Mine is broken! I always feel like something is "not quite right" and if i took myself off to the midwife or hospital every time i felt like something was wrong i'd go every day almost. I'm not exaggerating. I remember having a conversation with one of my friends and she was so sorry for me when i told her that there isn't a day goes by that i don't convince myself that the baby has died. I suppose that's just normal for me, so i forget how pitiful that must sound to anyone else. It's a wonder my blood pressure isn't a lot higher!!

So, yeah. As soon as i got on the monitor for the trace the baby started kicking up a RIGHT commotion. S/he was all over the place. Moving like i haven't felt it move in ages. It was very reassuring, but annoying too. I felt a bit silly afterwards because it wasn't just a little bit of movment. It was literally going crackers in there! Now though, it's gone back to how it was before! There was a bit of a mini commotion earlier when i was eating my lunch, but now it's gone back to being lazy again. Sods law.

They were really very nice at the hospital and didn't make me feel like i'd wasted their time or anything. The midwife and doctor i saw were encouraging and asked me to go in again if i did notice anything different again. If only my intuition wasn't broken huh!

Oh, also i'd been wondering about whether i should try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) this time. I didn't think i even had the option, but i stumbled across the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists website and their guidelines say a VBAC after 2 caesareans is possible and in some respects safer than a repeat section. I was so confused! I've spent a good few days researching about it and asking various people and I've been emailing back and forth with a really helpful, lovely doula. I spoke to the doctor i saw today and she said that although it is possible, the nature of my previous pregnancies and the various risk factors involved means that she would recommend that i have a repeat elective caesarean section this time. She just said that they wouldn't induce me and because i have two scars and one of them is higher on my uterus with my second baby being only 25 weeks when she was delivered, i'm not a good candidate. I think maybe if i hadn't had everything go wrong the last couple of times i would perhaps try to get a VBAC, but truth be told, i was just grateful to be told "No, that's not recommended" so that i can move on and not have to think about it anymore.

30 weeks 1 day

I've turned the 30 week corner! Three quarters of the way there! This means that i only have ten weeks left at the absolute most, but it is more likely to be 8 or 9. It's a weird feeling. I have been trying not to mentally rush through this and to enjoy each day as it comes, but it's really hard sometimes. Now i'm over 30 weeks and it seems to have gone by so fast! It doesn't seem two minutes since i was turning 25 weeks and remarking on how it was a milestone for me. Now i only have to do that same period of time again twice (almost) and i'm done!

I let myself have a little daydream today. I was thinking about sending a birth announcement to the vicar who did our sons and daughters funerals and writing a letter telling him that we would like to get this little one Christened by him in the summer. It was a nice daydream and i didn't think any negative thoughts really at all. Of course there's always the subconscious insertion of "hopefully" and "if we're lucky" before and after everything i think, do or say relating to this baby, but that's par for the course!

We have a boys name that we both really, really like. It's a bit different, which is why we're glad we won't be announcing it until after the baby is here. It's actually both a boys and girls name, so we could use it for either, which is great because we really do like it a lot. Our girls name that we had before is still nice, but this one is too. I guess it's good that we'll have a couple to pick from once we see him/her in the flesh. I still think it's a boy though.

It's weird because at the 20 week scan i thought it was a girl and my husband thought it was a boy. I thought that on the couple of between the leg shots i didn't see anything, but then i watched the video more clearly and the angle was all wrong, the legs were closed, so of course you didn't see anything, it was just the tops of the thighs. Then at this last scan the trainee technician asked her trainer if she should photograph "this bit" and on the screen was a mass of legs and what looked like a willy and little baby balls. So, that just confused me! I spoke to Scott about it and he thought that from that scan it looked like a girl!! Ha ha! So, the long and the short of it is that neither of us has any clue what so ever, which is GREAT! I am loving it being a surprise and i can't wait until my husband tells me in the delivery room.

That's the best daydream i have and i've been having it for ages now. It's one of the few i allow. LOL! I am on the table having my c-section and they pull the baby out and show the parts to my husband. He then tells me the sex of the baby and i most likely ask "Is s/he okay?" about a million times!

It's nice to have that. I suppose this is what hope feels like, and why it's such a nice thing. I may never ever get to experience anything like that ever in my life, but right now, in this moment. Just thinking about it and hoping that it might come true is lovely.

29 weeks 2 days

Today marks the last day of the 31 for 21 Down Syndrome Awareness blogging thing. I know i haven't wrote about Down Syndrome really, but i am hoping that at least my efforts to join in and make sure i post every day show support to the cause.

Love to Dylan. xx

29 weeks 1 day

Oh my, i have been feeling blue today. Not really down, and not about anything in particular, but just blue. You know you have those days where you just feel a little low.

Then i went and watched The Colour Purple. WHY? My mind was too fragile to be watching that film! I was crying and crying and crying. My face looked like the back end of a babboon in heat by the time i'd finished!! I planned to go to the supermarket afterwards, but had to wait about an hour and a half for the swelling to go down.

Bloody hormones!!

29 weeks

I can't believe i am 29 weeks pregnant! In some ways i feel more pregnant than that and in some ways far less. It's very odd. There's no mistaking my belly and my line has made a reappearance (linea nigra).

I'm not getting great sleep on a night though. Last night i was awake even more than the previous night. I wake up to turn over, get another pillow, loose the pillow, take some Rennies, have a drink or go to the loo. LOL! It's a bloody good job i'm at home all day to catch up on sleep!!

I've not been having many bad thoughts recently - hope i haven't 'spoke' too soon about that. I definitely think that getting the dates of my losses out of the way has helped a lot. It's not that i don't think about it now, but more like i don't dwell on it if you know what i mean.

My blood sugars are still great, but being diabetic still sucks badgers balls. I really, really, really hope i don't get type 2 later on cause it's CRAP! And i'm only borderline so i can still eat some bad stuff.

28 weeks 6 days

Urgh! I have a headache today. :o( I kept waking up every hour from about 2am with a really dry mouth and a banging head. When i got up for good at 7am it was still there. I had a cup of tea and it didn't go, so i had a full-caff coffee and it didn't go. So... i took two paracetamol's. I feel a bit guilty, but i know that i will be fine otherwise i wouldn't have risked it just for a headache. They made me feel better too, which was great. Still not 100% though.

I was supposed to go on a day trip with friends today, but i had to cancel. Hopefully i won't feel the same tomorrow and i'll be able to go then.

The shower hasn't been reconnected after we had our new boiler fitted so i can't rinse my hair. I have to wash it and put conditioner on and then rush to mum and dads to rinse. It's a pain in the arse. My hair is really greasy right now, but my head hurts too much to wash it. But, if i'm going out tomorrow i can't leave the house with it in this state. So i'm going to have to wash it tonight and go to mum and dads to rinse. Oh the trials and tribulations!!

28 weeks 5 days

My pubic bone is hurting more. It clicks a lot, especially in a morning. It's not too painful yet though - not PSD painful.

We bumped into an old friend today in town. It was nice to see him again and i hope he calls round for a brew at some point. It always leaves me feeling guilty when we see old friends though, because i never feel like we did enough to stay in touch with them. I know we all have our lives that have moved on, but it's such a shame cause we were all so close with each other.

I said to my fella though that it must be something to do with our losses. Usually a couple would get pregnant and slow down socially while pregnant and then for a few months after the birth, but then they would get back into the swing of going out again and seeing people. We have had three years of being pregnant followed by grieving followed by being pregnant followed by grieving followed by being pregnant.

Plus, i suppose we've all changed. Some of us have families and some are still doing what we were doing before we decided to have a family. I guess, too, that it's not just up to me to contact our friends, but they could have contacted us too. Perhaps they have guilt trips too. LOL!

28 weeks 4 days

I've been researching the effect of gestational diabetes on lung maturation in the fetus. It seems that the opinions on that are varied, but it wouldn't hurt to ask for an amniocentesis before they deliver me. I guess i'm going to have to wait as long as i can bear to, in order to ensure the best health for this little one. Some sources say that gestational diabetes slows down lung maturation and whilst usually the lungs mature by 34/35 weeks, in diabetic pregnancies they recommend a wait until 38.5 weeks. I am managing my diabetes well though and my sugars seem fine.

My original consultant talked about delivering after 28 weeks, but i don't have him anymore. I thought at the beginning of this pregnancy that we would take the baby at 35 weeks. Then when i spoke to my consultant that i had in my first trimester she explained that i would be able to deliver at 37 weeks. Now the diabetic consultant stresses how important it is to wait until as close to 39 weeks as we can.

I have mixed feelings about this. Of course the MOST important thing to me is that this baby is living and healthy. I just don't know what to think. Past experience has taught me that my body isn't the healthiest environment for a baby, which means that there is always a part of me every day screaming "get it out now while it's still alive!!" On the other hand, i've been scanned a ton and told by different consultants that this is a low risk, healthy pregnancy. Usually in that case, the best place for baby is inside mum for as long as possible.

My head is in tatters if i dwell too long on the options. If we take the baby too early because i am a paranoid wreck and then something happens because of that i'd never forgive myself. But, what if i choose to carry the baby for longer, thinking i'm doing the right thing and s/he dies before we can make delivery? Urgh! My brain hurts thinking about this, not to mention my heart.

Why do we have to think about things like this? It seems like no one else has to worry about anything more complex than nursery colours and feeding methods. I'll say it again for the umpteenth time, and i'm sure it won't be the last - it's not fair.

28 weeks 3 days

I'm all excited because i'm going to Tropical World next week. My friend and her two kids are coming with me too so it should be nice. It's a really great place!!

Baby is fine. Been moderately busy today, which is cool.

We went to see Ghost Town last night at the cinema and it was hilarious!! Ricky Gervais was brilliant in it and we were all laughing out loud in the cinema. Great filum.

28 weeks 2 days

Life is so incredibly unfair. Today was the day my sister in law and her husband found out that their one shot chance at IVF had not worked. They transferred the only two embryos that took two weeks ago, so they don't have anything left over and frozen to do a second cycle with. They can't afford to pay for another cycle and the shitty NHS won't pay.

This shit sucks.

I am out of words.

28 weeks 1 day

Our growth scan was great today! The baby is measuring well for dates and i have plenty of fluid going on. The head measurement was bang on average, the thigh bone measurement was bang on average and the abdomen was BIG! LOL! Still well within normal ranges, but it means we're going to be having a tubber. I could have guessed that though cause our first was 8lb 12oz, so not small.

They estimated the baby's weight to be currently at 2lb 12oz. I have put on a couple of kilos since my last appointment 3 weeks ago, but it's still well within the okay range and the midwife said it's probably because the baby has had a growth spurt. I was 73 kilos, which is 11.5 stone. That makes sense cause i had all my clothes and shoes on and when i weigh myself nekkid at home i'm 11 stone 3.

We spoke about delivery and the consultant said that since everything looks great they will play it by ear with my delivery, but would like to see me go to 38 or 39 weeks. She explained that the baby is four times more likely to require ventilation at 37 weeks and this halves by 38 and halves again by 39 weeks. I completely understand that and the last thing i want is for anything to happen to this baby because i was impatient to get it out of me. I want the baby to be able to leave the hospital when i do. I told her that my reasons for wanting to go earlier are completely selfish and i will do whatever is best for this baby.

She did reassure me that i could go in to be put on the monitor anytime i felt i needed or wanted to. They will keep on scanning me and looking at the placenta and if there is any sign of things changing they will be on it right away. She said that they wouldn't sacrifice my mental health for a later delivery either, if i was going insane with the wait. She was nice, but firm. I liked her.

My sugar levels were all fine, blood pressure was low as usual and nothing in my urine.

A success! :o)

28 weeks

Third trimester!!!

WOOOOT!!!!

Home run now baby!

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for a growth scan. Here'[s to hoping that things are still okay.

::crosses everything::

28 weeks

Third trimester!!!

WOOOOT!!!!

Home run now baby!

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for a growth scan. Here'[s to hoping that things are still okay.

::crosses everything::

27 weeks 6 days

I'm getting backache! I get it when i walk too far and i get it when i sit for too long - i can't win! I've tried sitting with a pillow for lumbar support too, but it's just not working.

The baby's kicks are starting to be a bit painful now too. It's started to push out of both sides of the belly at the same time and is cutting some crazy shapes in there!

Tomorrow i hit the third trimester and the home run. Dear Lord let me make it all the way, please!!!

27 weeks 5 days

Almost to the third trimester now. Some books say it started at 26 weeks, some say 27. I figure if i wait til 28 weeks then i'll know i'm definitely there. Ten weeks left til my c-section though! EEEP!!!

My pubic bone keeps on cracking and it feels weird - kind of painful and satisfying at the same time. I am getting quite weary too. Don't seem to be able to walk far without my back aching and my vag feeling all throbby and not in a nice way. The baby seems pretty happy though and that's all that matters.

I love this baby now. ::sigh::

27 weeks 4 days

If i get the delivery date i want it will be exactly ten weeks until my c-section come tomorrow!! All being well of course. The baby was really confusing the guinea pigs today. I had them on my lap for cuddles and the baby was kicking them. Ha ha!

I've still only put on 10lbs so far. I will likely get weighed at my next diabetic appointment on 30th, so i am sure they will inform me if i am not putting enough on. I am certain it's because i had weight to spare to begin with.

Sunday dinner was nice. We went to a pub nearby with a couple of friends and it was a nice afternoon. They also let me take photographs of them, which was great! It was just a shame because the lighting was pretty crap with the day being cloudy and overcast.

27 weeks 3 days

I'm going to be taking photographs of a couple we know tomorrow and i'm really looking forward to it! I haven't practiced my photography in ages and it's nice to have willing subjects. Plus they are great together, so i am certain i should get some great photographs out of the session. I just hope that the weather stays nice tomorrow. Let me check the forecast... Phew! It just says cloudy - well, a picture of a white cloud. At least it doesn't say rain!

I'm going to start a blog for my photography, and i'm going to name it after myself. I'm past caring if anyone knows who i am anymore. I doubt very much that if one of my friends or family stumbled across this blog they would NOT know it is me.

My belly is doing well today. Moving great and getting bigger all the time! My books say that i should have gained about 20lbs so far, but i have gained 10lbs. Not that i'm complaining. I know i'm a healthy weight and my gain is within what it should be. It's just because i was just over the BMI band into "slightly overweight" before i got pregnant, so i had a bit to spare to begin with. I had a BMI of 26 or something.

I am going to have to do something about my guinea pigs. I don;t know if it's pregnancy nose or not, but i can smell them all the time and they stink!! I have switched to fleece bedding, which is so much better than sawdust! It means they're not kicking sawdust all over the floor, and also i just sweep up their poops a few times a day so they're not rotting in the cage for days at a time. I need to do something to reduce our rubbish too cause mum says the council are reducing our waste collections to once per fortnight soon! Anyway, my husband can't smell what i'm smelling, but it's driving me crackers, so i need to do something to sort it, even if it's only a temporary measure.

27 weeks 2 days

Tuesday 17th October 2006 was the worst day of my life. Our son was dying and it was the day we decided we had to let him go.

The previous day i had woken up in the early hours with a massive haemorrhage and delivered him by crash c-section. He weighed 8lb 12oz, but had to be whisked away to special care and received blood transfusions right away. The haemorrhage wasn't my blood you see, it was his. I'd been sitting on a time bomb of a little-known condition called Vasa Praevia - IVPF / UKVP. When i bled it wasn't my blood i was loosing, it was his. When my membranes broke, so did the fetal blood vessels that were running through the membranes just on the inside of my cervix. It was undiagnosed, so he didn't stand a chance. If i had been prenatally diagnosed he would have been delivered at 35 weeks and would still be here today.

Yesterday was his birthday. DH and i bought a cake and some candles and had a slice to eat before we went to bed. We never let the occasion pass without doing something symbolic to mark it, but to us his birthday is no more or less painful than any other day. Our little boy is not with us and we feel it every day, in many different ways.

At two years old he would be walking and talking and causing me to tear out my hair no doubt. He would be at that cute stage where everything is wonderful to him - the stage that dads in particular look forward to.

It's been 868 days since we started trying for a family and we had no idea it would be this hard to achieve. When we started we considered infertility and miscarriages, but we never dreamed that something like this would happen to us. You just never expect to be the one that everyone hears about and feels sorry for. It's a cliche, but sometimes it really does feel like a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Everyone has those dreams when they're pregnant - the ones where you loose the baby. Then you wake up and you still feel that pain inside, that deep hurt because your baby has gone. It takes a moment or two to realise that it was just a dream. Maybe your baby kicks you to remind you that s/he's still there and then the relief comes crashing in. A respite! You might feel so affected by the dream that you weep with thanks that it's not true. That doesn't happen for me. I wake up, knowing that it's not a dream. No relief is coming for us.

Two years ago today we made the heartbreaking decision to take our son off the life support machine and let him die. He had already been brought round from heart failure and we knew that with the amount of blood he had lost and the seizures he had suffered, even if he did survive his quality of life would be severely reduced. His organs were all failing and the heart failure was his body telling us that he couldn't go on.

We sat waiting as the special care staff removed the wires and tubes from his body. They picked him up from the table and handed him to me. This was the first time i had held my son and it wasn't how i had imagined for those nine months. No wet screaming bundle to hold to my breast. Our boy, the fighter who couldn't fight any longer. We carried him to a special room set aside for grieving parents and spent time with him. We held him and cried for him and not long after we got there, as my husband was holding him, he made a little sound - the only sound we had ever heard him make - and we think that's when he passed.

Life is so precious. We miss you so so much little man.

27 weeks 1 day

It would have been our sons second birthday today if he had made it past 36 hours old. My husband was at work, but i went into town with mum to buy a cake and candles. Then we went to the cemetery to take some flowers for Grandma, Great Grandad and Great Grandma. Mum said she thinks about her grandson there because he has no marker of his own, so the flowers were for him too.

We chose not to have a grave marker because we don't believe it's important. Similarly we mark his birthday with something symbolic, but we miss him no more or less on this day than any other. We feel the son-shaped hole in our lives every single day in many different ways, but it is nice to have a day, which is his special day, i guess.

So when my husband comes home from snooker we are going to put two candles in the cake i bought and take pictures and then blow them out and enjoy a nice cup of tea and slice of cake.

My husband hasn't mentioned anything about it being our son's birthday, and he's all business as usual. I suppose that's nice. I know he will give it thought in his own way.

I often wonder how different our lives would be if he was still with us. It probably sounds quite weird to some, but i like to see videos and pictures of my friends children who were all born the same month as him. They always make me cry, but it's like i am getting to know what MY child is doing in heaven, or in a parallel universe where he is still with an insanely happy version of my husband and i. It's comforting. Watching them grow up is like watching him grow up.

Happy birthday my boy!

27 weeks

I love the lady at Tesco who asked me if i wanted a credit card. I'll tell you why...

She collared me on the way out and asked me questions about the card to which i replied that we did used to have a Tesco credit card and it was great collecting clubcard points, but i was unimpressed with Customer Services, so i switched. She noticed my belly and asked when i was due and if this was my first baby. I replied, as i usually do, that i was due in December and it's our third baby, but unfortunately the other two didn't make it. We chatted a little more about being excited and how long i had left and then she asked a question about our previous babies!

What a wonderful change! All she said was "so did you go full term with your first baby or...?" I replied that he was born full term and that our daughter went to 6 months. She told me about her cousin whose baby died at full term too. It was such a refreshing change to have someone ask a question, rather than clam up, look uncomfortable and change the subject.

I don't blame people when they don't know what to say of course - they don't realise they're making me feel like a leper and Lord knows i probably would have acted the same way a few years back. It's just nice, you know?

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I went into work to sell ribbons in support and most people bought them, which was nice. It was good to pop into work and see everyone, but it reminded me of how glad i was to be at home most of the time! Ha ha! I wonder if the novelty will ever wear off...?

26 weeks 6 days

Tonight i watched Thelma & Louise for the first time ever. It was great!! I was loving the high rise jeans! There are so many films i haven't seen that i really need to catch up on.

The baby kept jumping at the loud noises on the film, it kept making me jump. He he!

I'm turning into a bit of a mardy bitch. I've been noticeably snappy and morngey and it's wearing me down. My poor husband must have the patience of a saint because he doesn't mention it (to me).

26 weeks 5 days

I went to bed last night and the baby wasn't as active as usual, so i held my breath between each kick, thinking that another one wasn't going to happen. Then i woke up this morning and the baby didn't kick at all. I got up, made breakfast, checked out the message boards for a while and still no kicks. Then all of a sudden, an hour after i woke up the baby did a big kick...

...and i burst into hysterical tears of relief!

It shouldn't be like this, it's not fair. I know i keep on harping on about what is fair and what is not, but it ISN'T fair that this has been ruined for us. Anyone else gets pregnant, is cautious for the first twelve weeks and then gets excited and starts buying up every baby shop in town, their parents come with gifts for the baby, they have a baby shower, decorate the nursery and everything else. I am fed up of being too scared to even allow myself too many daydreams about what it will be like once baby is here. I haven't made any plans or pictured what it will be like bringing baby home because i daren't. I'm too scared to even talk about the baby in a definite future tense. Instead i litter conversations about the future with words like "hopefully" and "God willing" and "if we're lucky" and i'm constantly touching wood. I don't want to be so terrified anymore!

I'm even fed up of hearing my own internal whine about how unfair it all is. I'm not usually a petulant person, i swear. I understand that things aren't easy for everyone and there are far, far more people out there with far worse problems than us. I do need to remember this, i know.

26 weeks 4 days

I worked out that if i have my c-section on 29th December i only have 78 days left!!! OMG!!

So i really need to get a move on with the nursery and everything. I've started looking at packing the baby's bag and mine has been packed for ages. I've re-opened it though to include more stuff like breast pads etc. I've also put my button down nighties in there for when i'm (hopefully) breastfeeding.

Aaaah!!! I daren't even begin to imagine that this might actually happen! Would it be wrong of me to get too excited? Would it matter if i did? Would i be even more upset if we loose this baby just because i allowed myself to get excited?

GAH! Why can't this be straightforward for us? It's not fair.

26 weeks 3 days

Okay, so i'm not as pissed off about work as i was yesterday. I was having a bit of a moment i think. Got to love these raging hormones!!

The baby should weigh about 2lb by now, which is a fab weight! I can certainly tell i'm carting a person round with me now! LOL!

On the boobie front i keep on getting sharp shooting pains there. I remember them from my previous pregnancies, so it's obviously something to do with getting ready to lactate, but it hurts!! Sometimes they take my breath away!

26 weeks 2 days

Will work never leave me alone? I am such a fucking mug. I agreed to do some work at home right up until Christmas because it's not a huge load of work to do, it doesn't have to be done every day and the company need me to do it so that i can take an exam in November and help them get accredited. I felt like i owed them because they let me go on maternity leave early, but now i'm regretting it. It's like i've finished work, but i'm still tied to it, so i can't completely get free. I have to worry about a sodding EXAM for fucks sake! In November!!! I don't want to do it! Why am i such a pushover? My husband usually gives the worst advice when i complain about work, which always comes in the form of "just tell them to fuck off!" I think this time he would be right.

I feel like i have to be eternally grateful to them because i have a company car, which they let me keep while i'm on maternity leave. Plus, i've been off and on maternity leave a few times and they've let me come back to decent jobs. But on saying that stuff, i have earned the car and i know a shit load about the company, so i deserve to get the good jobs! It's not like they give me responsibility when they shouldn't! I get no pension, only 20 days holiday, no bonus and a below average basic wage. I OWE THEM NOTHING!!

Sigh.

I know what i'll do though. I'll keep my mouth shut, continue doing this extra work while i'm on maternity and i'll go into the exam stressing about it, because that's who i am. Mug.

Thinking about this has put me on a right downer. I wish wish wish i'd never said "You can ring me" or "just email me of you need anything" or "sure i'll carry on with this job."

I'm going to see what crap i've Sky plussed that might cheer me up and help me to forget.

26 weeks 1 day

It was my follow up appointment at the diabetic clinic today and all was well. They are happy with my blood sugars and say that i should continue as i am and they will see me again in a few weeks, on the 30th. I got my blood drawn to check for the long term view of how my body has been dealing with sugar over the past 3 months.

All the usual midwife checks were done - urine, blood pressure, belly measurement etc. My urine was clear, BP was 85/60 and my belly measures 27cm, which is equal to 27 weeks. So i'm bigger than i should be, but not by enough to be concerned about. I've put on 0.3 kilos since last week, which is also not a bad weight gain - it's hardly anything!

So i cancelled my standard midwife appointment that was due tomorrow because there was no need to get all those check done two days in a row. I'm at a growth scan in two weeks as well, so i won't need to go to any standard midwife appointments for a while.

26 weeks

I have only been to this point in a pregnancy once before.

My belly is getting pretty huge still and i'm groaning more when i move, stand, sit etc. It's all good though. I'm loving every less than comfortable second of it!

I feel happiest when i wake in the morning knowing that i have no responsibilities and no obligations and i feel the baby move for the first time that day. I smile so big inside! I have no pressure to do anything except take care of myself and this baby and i have all the time i need to daydream and fuss and worry to my hearts content without feeling like i should be concentrating on something else. It's wonderful!

My baby is my life and i wouldn't have it any other way.

25 weeks 6 days

The baby is kicking like mad right now!! Mum was super-cute and patient with me as i got my belly out tonight and asked everyone to watch it until it moved. The hubby usually gives me ten seconds of attention and then his eyes wander back to the TV. Ha!

We had dinner at my sister and her boyfriends place tonight and it was delish! I am sooo stuffed though now and we're not used to eating so late, so i just know that as soon as i lay down in bed i am going to end up with the worst heartburn!! I think i'll prop myself up to sleep.

The husband and i were discussing having kids tonight in general and i said "If we loose this one too shall we just take the hint and not bother with kids? We could have a fabulous house filled with tons of nice stuff and go on great holidays every year!" I wish it were as easy to just flick the family switch off as forcefully as it flicked itself on! It would be nice to think that we could go back to having the mindset of a 21 year old (us as 21 year olds) and not want this so badly. Then maybe it won't hurt so much when it all goes tits up again.

25 weeks 5 days

Today i mooned in the face of bad luck!

After looking at bathroom suites on Sunday the hubby and i almost went into the city to shop for babygrows, but he sowed the seed of doubt into my mind with a sharp intake of breath through pursed lips in response to my innocent suggestion.

While i was in town today i called into Woolies and looked a baby stuff. I came out with a pack of plain white vests and some green and brown long sleeved vests as well. To make it doubly plain i was indignant against the forces of bad luck, i took the items out of the packaging and threw out the receipt!!

We needed some stuff for the baby's hospital bag and i needed to buy something, anything. Now it's out of my system.

On the subject of Down Syndrome, i saw a cool graphic today that said "My kid has more chromosomes than yours!"

25 weeks 4 days

I am pretty much alone in this. I mean, i have people who care about me and the baby and i always have those that i can lean on and who will be there for us, but for the most part i am alone with this.

My husband today, in passing, mentioned that he doesn't think he's suffering stress because (amongst other things) he doesn't think about our situation unless i'm there with him. Our parents, although i am undoubtedly sure that they worry an inordinate amount, they're not doing this for us. It's not even my husband who's doing this, it's me. All me.

Everyone else can separate themselves from this at some point during the day. This pregnancy is my whole life. As soon as i wake up i wonder why s/he's not moving because i'm sure that it normally moves on a morning. Then i get up and potter about getting ready and think about last time when i got up and pottered about as normal and the whole time our daughter was dead inside me and i didn't know. My whole day is punctuated with moments of abject misery because i'm convinced that the baby has died, followed by moments of uplifting joy because the baby is moving and for that moment i can be certain that s/he is living. And this is every. single. day.... every day. all day.

Please don't get me wrong and think that i am not acknowledging the feelings of my husband, or our parents. I know for a fact that they each find this hard in their own ways and i know that they have all had difficulties that are certainly not any easier than mine simply because they're not carrying this baby. All i'm saying is that they can step away for even just a moment and think about something else. This baby is inside me and it doesn't let me forget abot how fragile this all is for even a second.

Sometimes i feel like all the emotions in my mind are too much, but i know that no amount of screaming or frantic dancing about would be enough to express or release any of it. So all i have to do is take some time to be calm and acknowledge that there's no point in crying, screaming or raving. If i take a moment it all seems overwhelming for a little while, but then it eases again and fades into the background.

25 weeks 3 days

I think the diabetes thing may have been a fluke... My levels have been pretty low constantly. The only time they were highish was yesterday when i ate a pasty, gingerbread man and a big double chocolate cookie for my lunch, followed by 4 small cookies and a glass of whole milk for a snack. It was 6.6 before my evening meal then, but by 2 hours after my evening meal it was 4 point something.

On the other hand, my husband had a level of 8.1 two hours after the evening meal, which could indicate that he's diabetic. He's got tons of the other symptoms as well and has been going to the doctors with random health complaints for months and each of them is on the list of symptoms!

The kick counting is going well and baby is remaining active, thankfully. I'd go insane if this baby was a calm one! A girl who was having her glucose tolerance test at the same time as me said that she was 28 weeks and she only ever felt flutters now and again. I'd go crackers!!

25 weeks 2 days

Well, we made progress with the flat pack today. I fit the rails inside the wardrobes and built a bedside cabinet. We've just the remaining cabinet and the bed to put up tomorrow.

Dear Lord, that's boring!

I watched an episode of Supernanny today that i'd plussed from the other night. It was quite sad really because the daughter in question was nine years old and she was being treated like a baby. Her mum did everything for her and it had turned the poor girl into a monster who tantrumed all the time. When they interviewed the mum it came out that she'd had a son previously who passed away when he was 23 months old. It looked like he had Down Syndrome from the pictures, so i am guessing it was something to do with that. It was really sad. It made me think firstly that it's wierd that i should see something to do with Down Syndrome the third day after the 31 for 21 campaign, and wonder if it does crop up in life more often, but i don't often notice. The next thing i though was that i really hope that loosing children doesn't make us more prone to spoil any that we are lucky enough to get to keep. I don't want to create a monster, but i can see that i would just be so eternally grateful that i have a child there at all, that it might end up having a negative effect on my parenting. I really, really hope not!

25 weeks 1 day

I'm going to be blogging in support of Down Syndrome Awareness month for the whole of October. The 31 for 21 campaign is about bloggers making sure they blog for each day of October. I probably won't have much to say about Down Syndrome myself, because i am still learning, but i wanted to do this in support of my friend Laurie and her gorgeous little baby boy Dylan who has Down Syndrome. Click on the graphic above to learn more.

So today we were at the diabetic clinic learning about how to monitor and control my blood sugars. I've got a machine for testing my blood four times per day and a little book for keeping a record. I was pleased because although i eat a lot of sweets i am not too bad and i don't have to make too many adjustments. The main things i need to do are change to eating brown bread instead of white, cut out jelly sweets and the like and also change to sweeteners in my tea instead of sugar. It was really interesting to learn about low and high GI (glycaemic index) foods and how they affect my body's ability to digest sugars. It's certainly good stuff to know, even without the gestational diabetes!

The best news is that i can still eat chocolate! It's a medium GI food, so i can still have it in moderation. :o)

Our new wardrobes are almost finished. My husband spend a good few hours putting the flat pack together today and i felt a bit like a spare part cause i couldn't do anything. I took him light parts and held stuff, but i was pretty useless really. The wardrobes look fab though! I can't wait until the bed and bedside cabinets are up cause it's going to look so much better. Then i can get to nesting and putting stuff neatly away in the wardrobes. LOL!

Tomorrow i need to go to the doctors to get some more pots of little blood collecting tags for my sugar measuring machine. I can't forget!!

25 weeks

Well, i've finally finished work. It was my last day yesterday and my colleagues got me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and i little miniature Radley handbag keyring. I cried a little bit, but i'm really not sorry i've gone. I haven't enjoyed work since i found out about this baby unfortunately. You might have guessed that already! LOL!

Some more good news is that our scan with the Fetal Specialist yesterday was really positive! The baby looks really healthy and fluid levels are normal. His/her heart is functioning right and everything is as it should be. The specialist measure where my placenta is and it's now about 8cm away from the cervix, which means that it's moved a whole 7cm at least since 20 weeks! I was also scanned transvaginally to with the colour doppler to check for blood vessels around the membranes near my cervix and there were none there at all. We are a very relieved and pleased mum and dad!!

I know that we already had scans early on to check for risk factors with Vasa Praevia, but it's extra reassuring to be checked over again and told that we're good.

The only negative is that i tested borderline for gestational diabetes. I guess it's a good job i asked to be tested early! My result was 7.8 and they monitor everyone with a result of 7.8 and above. I am going to the diabetic clinic tomorrow at 10.30 to learn how to monitor my blood sugar and control it with diet and excersise.

Another milestone has been passed because with me now being 25 weeks pregnant i have got past the point at which we lost our daughter to stillbirth. She was 24 weeks 6 days. I know that doesn't mean that we're 'safe' by a long chalk, but it does mean a small mental victory for me.

I started doing kick counting this past week as well and that's going great. The baby usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes to reach his/her 10 kicks, but last night s/he must have been on a high too cause we got there in less than 2 minutes! It was a right party in my belly!!! :o)

24 weeks 4 days

I'm booooooooored!

There's nothing going on on the Internet and there's nothing on the telly. I've eaten loads of pickled onions and drank milk and i've tidied out my wardrobe ready fro my sister to collect it and there's nothing else to doooooooo. Actually, there's probably loads to do, but nothing that i feel like doing.

I could read my book, but i don't fancy it. I could start the quilts i'm making for my friends twins, but it's too late in the day for that. I could do some scrapbooking, but i can't be naffed to make a mess with it. I've already played with the guinea pigs for a while.

Suppose i should get my clothes ready for my penultimate day at work tomorrow. EEEP! I'm so excited about finishing work!!! In the morning i'm going for my glucose tolerance test, so i have to fast from 10pm tonight. Then i'm at work in the afternoon and i have to sort out the files on my computer so that people can find stuff they need once i'm not there anymore. Then Tuesday is my last day, but i'm starting work at 8.30am, leaving at 10am for my fetal specialist appointment and then going back after that for the last couple of hours.

I've been doing research about bedrest and low laying placentas. I need to feel confident that when i see the fetal specialist on Tuesday he is covering all bases and checks me for vasa praevia again as well as checking out my placental position and the growth rate of the baby. I suppose i could write down my list of questions that i have in my head, then that will organise them and i will make sure that i don't miss anything off. Yeah, that's what i'll do. Something constructive!

24 weeks 3 days

I just threw up! We had fajitas followed by ice cream for tea and when i'd almost finished my ice cream i suddenly came over really sick and ran upstairs and barfed! I usually don't barf when pregnant, so this is really unusual!

Straight away i felt better and i went to use my doppler to check on the heartbeat and there it was, so all is okay. Phew!

What is particularly funny (or not), is that i will be 24 weeks 6 days pregnant on Tuesday, which is 3 days away. Last time i was pregnant, with our daughter, she was stillborn at 24 weeks 6 days pregnant and a couple of days prior to loosing her i had gastroenteritis. I feel completely fine now, so i'm hoping it's not gastroenteritis again. That would be awful.

December feels like a million years away, but at the same time it's sooooo close! The shops have their Christmas stuff out already and i've started my Christmas shopping. I want to have it all done as soon as possible so that it's one less thing to worry about come December!

This next couple of months are going to be busy! I'm finishing work on Tuesday for maternity leave, but we have someone coming to fit a new bathroom and change our boiler to a combi. I've got new bedroom furniture coming for our room and we need to decorate the nursery. My husband is putting the finishing touches to the wall he's been building out front and i've got loads of correspondence to catch up on! Busy busy busy! :o) I hope i don't have to put myself on bedrest cause i'll be buggered!

24 weeks 1 day

I have just sat through some crackin' music tonight to support my friend who has just started her new job as a teacher this term and was playing the piano in the school concert. It was at the high school i used to go to, which was crazy. Everything's changed though!

The baby was all quiet in between acts and then when the music came on s/he started dancing! It was ace!! It couldn't have been a coincidence either cause it was literally every song that i'd get loads of pokes and then all would go quiet til the next one. Ha!

The pokes are quite big now too and sometimes make me jump.

Well, it's 10pm and i'm absolutely knackered! I'm off to bed in a bit. Only one more get up til the weekend and then it's only two more get ups next week until MATERNITY LEAVE!!!!

WOOP! WOOP!

23 weeks 6 days

I hit the point of viability tomorrow! Or, should i say the baby hits the point of viability tomorrow, which is a milestone! At least that means that if i go into labour early and they can't stop it they will try to save him or her. So that's a huge thing!

I'm so tired right now, i almost went to bed, but i made myself stay up a bit longer and type this as a point of principal. It's only 20 past 10 and i'm not even at work tomorrow, so i should be staying up! There's nothing much going on online though and telly isn't appealing to me.

My friend felt the baby kick for the first time today, which was nice. So that makes a total of four people to feel it, including me.

I'm having a haircut tomorrow and i think i'm going to have it cut quite a bit shorter. I've never been one to be overly concerned about getting my hair done, nor overly dismayed with a bad haircut. Hair grows. If i don't like it i'll tie it up for a few weeks and grow it out. I just fancy something a lot lower maintenance. Long hair is great, but it's harder to wash, dry and straighten and i can't be naffed.

I start my kick counting tomorrow. I have to pick a two hour section of the day and count until the baby kicks ten times and mark down the time it took to get there. If i don't reach ten in two hours i need to drink something cold, walk around and try again. If i don't reach ten in the second two hours i go to hospital to get checked out. Studies have shown that babies who were stillborn moved less prior to passing away. I don't suppose there's always anything they can do, but it makes me feel like i'm doing something. You know. So i'm picking 7.30ish in the evening to start because that's when the baby is the most active. Well, then and just as i'm trying to get to sleep! Ha ha!

23 weeks 4 days

All is quiet on the pregnancy front. Baby is active and mum is okay. Dad is fine too.

It's deliciously hot outside, which is nice. I'm hoping that the nursery curtains will have finished in the washing machine soon so i can put them on the line before i go out. I'm having Sunday dinner with friends today. Mmmmm...

I'm definitely entering the hungry phase of pregnancy now, which is fab! Still only 10 stone 13 though... which means i've put on a total of 6lbs! I started at 10.7, lost a few lbs and then went back up again. If i put 3 stone on again like i did with my first i'll be 13 stone 7 by the time i'm finished!! AHHH!! Oh well, it's worth it to make sure the bub is healthy. I'm certainly not going to worry about my weight on top of everything else! If i'm fat at the end of it, i'm fat. I wasn't exactly skinny beforehand anyway! Ha ha! Plus, if all goes well i'll be breastfeeding this time, so that will help to shed those pounds.

Oooh i just did this weight gain in pregnancy doodah and it estimates i'll gain 2 stone 2lbs in total. 1 stone 4.9 lbs of it is on me - boobs, uterus, blood, water and fat. The rest (11.1lbs) is on baby - fetus, placenta, amniotic fluid. Cool! Some stuff i've read says that by the 23rd week of pregnancy my total weight gain should be about 15lbs. I'm not worried that mine is only 6lbs, especially because i had a few reserves to use up first.

23 weeks 3 days

I think i might be entering a nesting phase. I know that i have wanted to get my teeth stuck into the house for a while now, but with me working full time still, i haven't had the energy. Today i have been on a mission and i've done a ton of sorting out, cleaning and tidying. It's been very therapeutic!! Still a long way to go though!

It's amazing how many catalogues a person can collect. I haven't cleared them out for a while because they are just in the back of the coffee table. I mean, we never use them now anyway. That's what the Internet is for!! I pulled out the coffee table today though to have a look and i've thrown out eight, yes eight catalogues. Where do they come from? Why do we need them? I have just kept the latest IKEA and the latest Argos. Everything else is in the recycler.

The guinea pigs are grazing outside now, but they aren't playing like i thought they would. They just seem to be eating the grass and hopping back inside their house. Not so much frolicking.

Now i've sat down for a break the baby is kicking like mad! I must have woken him/her up with all the activity this morning. Bless! It was a routine midwife appointment yesterday and everything was fine. Blood pressure was low at 100/60, but that's normal for me. My urine was clear and the baby's heartbeat came up fine on the doppler. I'm also measuring fine for my dates. I did get myself worked up before the appointment though, but i'm putting it down to it being the same appointment that we found out we'd lost our daughter. In the car on the way home from work i was fretting because i couldnt remember the last time the baby had kicked me. It didnt kick all the way home in the car and i had to call in at our house before the appointment to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. Thankfully it was there right away. It's just far too easy to convince yourself that the baby has died. After all, if it's happened like that once before, why wouldn't it do it again?

We have an appointment to see a fetal specialist a week on Tuesday and i'm going to ask about delivery and management etc. Hopefully they will be able to give me a better idea of what my placenta is doing and perhaps it might have moved upwards even.

23 weeks 1 day

I've been getting threatening letters about an aged debt i apparently haven't paid. :o( I'm trying to sort it out and keep on ringing and writing every time i get a letter, but it's not resolved yet and today the debt agency said that i would have a default against my credit file. It's not even my fault!! I had a Barclaycard a few years ago and i paid off the balance and cut the card up. I paid the balance in May 06 and we moved house in June 06. I had a Royal Mail redirect set up for a year following our move, but received nothing from Barclaycard until i got a threatening letter from their debt agency. I've just been on the phone to a guy who was trying to get me to pay the balance, which i'm not going to do until i see what it's for. They say i owe £79.13, but there's no way i would have left a balance that large! I think that for some reason i've had a small amount on my account when i thought i'd paid it off and this is just interest i've been accruing. I don't get why i heard nothing until debt collection though. The debt guy said that they'd had to trace me, but i had a redirect set up and nothing came through. Mind you, it wouldn't surprise me if Royal Mail had messed up there. They're not exactly the most reliable of folk!

So anyway, i've got that on my mind now and it's doing my head in. I don't have room in my mind to be worrying about trivial things like this, nor do i have the money to just pay them to get them off my back so i don't have to think about it! Gah!

The baby is kicking me now though, which is a blessing. Although s/he kicks loads, i still. always think something's happened when i don't feel a kick for a while, so it's nice that the baby is reassuring me at a time when i'm distracted by worry about something else.

I wonder if i'll end up with massive worry-furrows on my brow...

23 weeks

23 weeks today. This means that there are only two weeks to go until i have passed the point at which we lost our daughter at 24 weeks 6 days. It also means that the baby in my belly right now will look a lot like how she looked when she was born and she was a proper little person, just really small! Amazing!!

Things seem to be going well. The baby is moving great and seems to be busy a lot, which is really really reassuring! Last night i was laying in bed and it started to do big kicks just as i was dropping off to sleep and it woke me up, but i just smiled. Those movements are the best part of pregnancy and they're a reminder that s/he is still doing okay in there. You can feel them from the outside now too, but like most children this kid doesn't want to perform. As soon as someone puts their hand on to feel, it stops kicking. LOL!

Today i am at home on annual leave too. Thank goodness!! I'm so tired of being at work already, but you might have guessed that from previous posts. Ha! Only two weeks left until maternity leave though and then i sincerely hope that i won't go back to work for a whole year because we will have our family!

This credit crunch is worrying me a bit too. We are lucky enough to have a lower mortgage than most because we bought early, but it's going to affect everything else. It's got really cold outside this past few weeks, but we haven't put the heating on yet. In fact i relented last night and set it to come on for only an hour a day in the morning for when we get up before work. Plus i had some washing to dry and in this weather it won't dry outside and if you leave it on the radiators cold it will take months to dry and it always feels damp. I also changed the water heating to come on for an hour only in the afternoon before we get home from work. Then we can use it in the evening for my husbands shower etc. and i should have enough left over by the next morning for my shower before work. I hope we'll be okay with this cause we're still trying to pay off our last gas bill from last winter. We can't afford to go into this winter just adding more to it without paying it off. I'm not ashamed to admit that i'm worried how we will cope when i'm not working. Maternity pay is only the government statutory minimum, which will give me about £370 per month after tax. My husbands wages only cover our bills and food. Petrol, hardware, home improvements, eating out etc etc. all come out of my wages. I know we will do some serious cutting down, but it's still a worry, especially since the price of things keeps rising. Petrol prices are shocking! Mind you, i won't have to pay to travel 45 miles per week to work in stupid traffic, so there's some back.

Now i'm not at work for the day i have a plan of action. I need to do some cleaning, the guinea pigs need cleaning out and i need to take a trip into town to get some Spa Tone, fabric, milk, and have a waddle round Tesco. I can't wait til i'm a proper full time housewife!! :o)

19 weeks 1 day

I can't standing being at work.

It's awful.

Baby is moving well though. Got a big ole kick last night, but sods law that when i tried to feel it by putting my hand there, there was nothing. Babies don't perform on demand!

We have our appointment for a private scan with the same guy we went to at 12 weeks to check for Vasa Praevia. That's on Monday and i'm shitting bricks. I'm not completely scared about it because the 12 week scan was great and we got the all clear, but there are so many other things that could go wrong and show up at an anomaly scan. I can't stop thinking about it.

18 weeks 6 days

I'm not doing so good. Every night for the past few nights i've had a bad dream where i've been crying, fighting, guilty and upset. I don't know what's happening to me! It's like all these feelings that i don't usually have are manifesting themselves in my dreams and it's awful. When i wake up it puts me in a depression from the offset and it's really hard to recover from. I know that it's quite common to have vivid dreams when you're pregnant, and i would much rather have these than the ones about loosing the baby, but they still suck.

Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.

I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.

So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!

I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.

I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!

So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.

Where's me gone? :(

17 weeks 5 days

I am a shit blogger. I haven't wrote in here for ages.

Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.

I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!

Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.

Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.

Fucking arsehole.

14 weeks 1 day

It's the conference at work tomorrow so i've been planning for that all week. It should be really good! I'm taking the photographs, which i will really enjoy and it will keep me occupied while everyone else is getting pissed and lairy.

I'm up quite late to say i'm a preggo. It's quarter to 11 so i should definately be in bed, but i have just updated my journal and i'm not that tired yet. Well, i am tired, but i'm not arsed about going to bed yet. I hope i manage to stay up quite late tomorrow. I need to make sure i get some amusing drunken pictures! Ha! I hope a 4GB is enough storage for photos. If not though i'll just have to transfer them to my laptop when my CF cards get full.

My guinea pig is looking pregnant. She has two bumps on either sides of her that she didnt have before. It's not definate yet though, i suppose i'll have to wait a couple of weeks before it's certain, bless her. She's so cute!!

I've been relatively worry free this week really. I've heard the heartbeat a few times with my doppler and that has tide me over. Plus i've been busy thinking about the conference, so i haven't had time to worry! My next appointment with the midwife is on Friday.

It should only be two weeks at the most until i'm definately feeling the baby. I've had a few pokes here and there, but nothing to convince me 100% that it's the baby yet. I'm not wishing to time away though. I'm looking forward to it, but still cherishing each day i wake up and i'm still pregnant. :o)

13 weeks 5 days

Oh my goodness i can't be arsed to go back to work!!! I know i keep on whining on about this, but i can't help it. It's not right that i feel this way. I never feel this way!!! I've come home for lunch and i'm sat here just simply not wanting to go back.

I'm going to work out how many working days i have left to cheer me up... Okay... 11 weeks until maternity, but i have a week off, so that's 10 weeks, which is 50 days. Take off my other random holiday days (7) and that's 43 days... take away a bank holiday... 42 days. Okay. 42 and a half days left. ::sigh:: I don't think that makes me feel better.

If we could afford it i would so quit tomorrow.

13 weeks 2 days

Wow! Rollercoaster of emotions this past few days!! I'll give you it in a "shit sandwich" as a great trainer lady once advised me when doling out negative things. Plus, there are some genuine positive things too and it's all in chronological order anyway, so keeps it neat.

Monday was scan day and we went to a private scanning clinic 2 hours away from home. It was a long day, but such a worthwhile journey! The guy that did the scan was amazing. So caring and thorough and genuinely concerned about what he was doing. He checked my placenta over and blood flow through the cord. He checked for Vasa Praevia, valamentous cord insertion and a succenturiate lobe on the placenta and gave me the all clear for all of those. He also checked the nuchal fold and other things for signs of down syndrome and then gave me a risk of 1 in 11000.

The best thing he said was that if he didn't know my history he would say that he was looking at a perfect, normal, low risk pregnancy.

Baby was moving the whole time he was scanning and looked beautiful. We could see it's fingers and toes and its profile. It's heart was checked and stomach etc. and its measurements were taken. It measured 12 weeks 3 days, which was 2 days ahead of the date i got from my ovulation chart. It's nice to skip a few days though, so i moved my due date. So i was then due on 16th January 2009!

We even got to see the baby in 3D!! And we got two pictures - a normal scan pic and a 3D one!! Then to top it all off we got a DVD of the whole thing!! I have watched it 5 times already and the family have had a screening.

When we got home i was knackered, but i 'facebooked' the pregnancy and called our families to let them know everything was okay. I really feel a lot lot lot lot better now. I feel like i can finally accept that this is happening to me and that maybe, just maybe we might end up with our healthy baby this time. I'm not getting carried away in unchecked hope, but i am feeling more positive, that's for sure.

Thank goodness i didnt experience the crap of Tuesday a day earlier because i would have murdered the person who spoiled that day for me!

Tuesday i cut ties with a friend. Funny how you think you know people and they turn out to be nasty.

So anyway, another positive is that i had a great dating scan yesterday and they put my new due date at 14th January 2009, making me 13 weeks and 2 days today! I skipped 4 days!! :o)

We are working on sorting out the back bedroom so that i can set the nursery up in there. We weren't going to do it until after the baby comes, but i want to do it now! We're going to paint big circles on one wall in colours matching the nursery bedding we got from Mothercare.

One of my oldest friends is getting married next year!! I'm so excited! I went to her house last night to talk about hen do plans and i am sad that i can't go to London with everyone, but i'd rather be at home with baby. They understand that. I'm just looking forward to the wedding so i can practice taking wedding pictures if they'll let me!!

11 weeks 3 days

Today i am feeling a little more positive. My belly has grown, i have a little more energy and i was a little more motivated at work today.

Yesterday i tidied all my desk, did my filing and sorted out all my pending jobs. Then i got home and tidied the living room. I wonder if i'm nesting already...? LOL! Typical husband comment though. He got home and saw that i was tidying up and he said "What you tidying for, is someone coming round?" He he he!

I can't stop thinking about my scan on Monday. In what way will it be different to an NHS one? Will he find a marginal cord insertion or will everything be okay? Will my placenta be in the right place or low again? Only 5 more sleeps until we find out!!

I need to start sorting out the nursery, but at the moment it's full of my crap - clothes, make up, handbags etc. I'm currently using the nursery chest of drawers and wardrobe to store my stuff, so i have no idea where it will go when i turf it out for baby stuff to go in!! Then there's the practical aspect of what clothes i get ready. I have neutral stuff of course, but most of it is either pink or blue and since we're not finding out the sex what do i leave in the nursery and what do i pack away?? I might just leave the neutral stuff out and then get either pink out or blue when (if) we bring the baby home.

Am i allowed to get excited? I did a bit when i was typing then and thinking about getting the nursery into shape...

Oh well, this baby has got to come out of me at some point. It's in there now. Statistically speaking we should be okay, but who am i kidding - statistics hate me! I never would have thought my whole life that i would crave simple normality the way i crave it now.

11 weeks 1 day

We went to see the Consultants Registrar at the hospital today. The actual Consultant is on holiday, but i'll be seeing her two weeks today. The appointment went well and the Registrar went through our history and really took his time to understand what happened to us.

He talked about plans for delivery in brief and said that they would try to balance taking the baby as soon as is safe without it being too premature, but we would discuss that in more detail later on. He told me that i will be getting scanned every 4 weeks after my anomoly scan and i will be seeing the Consultant often.

I feel reassured and pleased that they are going to be keeping a close eye on me.

I'm going to try try try to be more positive and think positively. I just daren't hope. For some crazy reason i feel like if i let myself hope for a good ending, or even imagine taking a baby home it will be that much harder if the worst happens! I can't think like that. I need to try to take some happiness and joy from this otherwise it's going to be the most miserable remaining 5 months of my life!!

So last night i thought i felt something in my belly... Then today i felt something for definate. I'm just not certain it's the baby. In fact, i'm thinking that it's likely not. I mean, it was in the right place and everything and it certainly felt like early baby movements, but i'm not at all sure. Isn't it too early? On saying that though, i could be a little further along. My EPADS scan put me at a couple of days ahead to what i guessed through ovulation. I would be 11 + 3 today going by my scan. Oh well, i guess i'll get a better idea of date after my scans next week. For now i'll just continue to be completely unsure about the movement...

11 weeks

Can't sleep! I've been laying in bed for ages just milling things over in my mind. I hate it when that happens. Kept thinking about when our son passed away and the things i should have done but didn't. Like when i didn't stay with him long enough when he was in special care. I didn't see him really alive for long enough. Then when he died i didn't go with the nurse to wash and dress him and i should have done.

I was also thinking about my friend who has just had her baby at 37 weeks today and they're almost certain he has down syndrome. I feel terrified for her. He is in special care at the moment, but he has problems with his heart and his red blood cells. It's so not fair. His mum says that she feels like it's not her life. I know that feeling. The numbness. I hope he does well in special care. I know that the seriousness of his condition varies quite a bit. I'm praying so hard that he will be okay.

My other friend with the premature twins is doing okay. The girls heart stopped today and they are up and down a lot, but they're fighting on.

Thinking about this pregnancy and the baby growing inside me does not often give me joyous feelings. I hate that i feel that way. Tonight i tried to imagine taking a healthy baby home with me and seeing him/her smile and hear them cry for the first time and i can't. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. It's easier and seems more likely to imagine that we will have another loss. Whenever i think of the future of this pregnancy it's with a heavy heart and a sense of sad inevitability. I just can't picture a happy ending.

We have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital tomorrow and i have a list of questions to ask. We haven't been told what the meeting is about, but i'm guessing it's to discuss my care. Although, of course i have been having thoughts of getting there and the consultant telling me that my notes say the chances for this baby aren't good and it will be touch and go all the way through. Of course i think that. I think of every single bad scenario i possibly can! I'm still secretly thinking that the baby has already died inside me.

Will i ever, ever have something positive to write? I'm sick of writing and feeling like everything is going to go wrong. I have no hope, but a tiny fraction and it's wearing me down. I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this hard last time.

10 weeks 6 days

I've got diarrhea. We had a Chinese take away last night and then i woke up at 3am with terrible stomach cramps. I had a runny poo and the cramps went away until i ate lunch today and they came back. I've been on the toilet for hours with cramping in between.

I called the NHS Direct for advice and the nurse there said to drink plenty and avoid too much protein and fatty foods. She said if the symptoms get worse in a few hours i have to call back.

Do i need to mention how worried i am? The last time i had diarrhea while pregnant my daughter died inside me 2 days later.

10 weeks 1 day

Oh my goodness i cannot for the life of me motivate myself!!! I am sat at work trying to make a start and i can't because i keep getting sidetracked by my stupid thoughts...

1. I must leave my maternity leave as pencilled in on my annual leave chart because if i rub it out and change it to red pen then i'll be jinxing it.
2. I wonder if the baby has died. How would i know...? Symptoms would stop. I still have symptoms. How long would it take for them to stop...? Some of them wouldn't stop as long as the baby is still in me, like peeing all the time.
3. Thinking about my 20 week scan, if the baby has something wrong with it we will keep it regardless. If it's something like a cleft palette obviously that's doable, but what if it's something else. What if it's anencephally? Well i won't let them do a c-section because that's the end then! They will have to induce me... but what if my uterus ruptures...?

OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 weeks

I've just finished sorting out all my clothes into batches of "completely not for wearing while pregnant," "could get away with for a while" and "maternity." I really really hope i haven't jinxed things by doing that, but i really needed to get things in order. I'm definately starting to bulk out in front and most of my usual clothes just don't cut the mustard.

On the subject of bulk in front, i wonder when the neighbours will think i am so obviously pregnant that it's okay to ask about it...? I am definately looking like i've got a belly now, but it still could easily be mistaken for flab. Lovely.

Gawd, i hope i don't have to put all my sodding maternity stuff away again soon.

I've not put on any weight yet. The scales at the midwifes said i weighed 11 stone, but i don't believe them! The midwife said that kids come in and jump up and down on them, so they must be off. Our scales at home said 10 stone 7, which is more like it. I could definately do with not putting any weight on yet. I've got plenty of arse and thigh for the baby to live off for a while yet.

Yet again i note that my Erics (jemba jembas) have not grown at all. Most of the books i read say that by now i will have noticed an increase in my breast size. Have i buggery! I've shit out in that department again!

9 weeks 1 day

I'm on the edge of my seat all the time because one of my best friends had her babies on Friday at 27 weeks. They are girl and boy twins and both seemed to be doing fine, but she went into early labour and they couldn't stop it. They are in special care at the moment and are fighting like troopers and we all just have to keep on hoping and praying for the best! I'm terrified for her and i just wasnt to be there to help. I know if would only be in the way, but i know how she feels because i've been there. At least her babies prognosis' are better than my sons by far. I know how it feels to see your little one in special care though. Hooked up to machines and looking all frail and not being able to hold them. I know how it feels to barely be able to move because of your c-section incision, but all you want to do is stand next to your baby's cot to look at him.

Urgh!!!! Why do the people who deserve this the most always get shit on??????