17 weeks 5 days

I am a shit blogger. I haven't wrote in here for ages.

Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.

I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!

Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.

Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.

Fucking arsehole.