25 weeks 4 days

I am pretty much alone in this. I mean, i have people who care about me and the baby and i always have those that i can lean on and who will be there for us, but for the most part i am alone with this.

My husband today, in passing, mentioned that he doesn't think he's suffering stress because (amongst other things) he doesn't think about our situation unless i'm there with him. Our parents, although i am undoubtedly sure that they worry an inordinate amount, they're not doing this for us. It's not even my husband who's doing this, it's me. All me.

Everyone else can separate themselves from this at some point during the day. This pregnancy is my whole life. As soon as i wake up i wonder why s/he's not moving because i'm sure that it normally moves on a morning. Then i get up and potter about getting ready and think about last time when i got up and pottered about as normal and the whole time our daughter was dead inside me and i didn't know. My whole day is punctuated with moments of abject misery because i'm convinced that the baby has died, followed by moments of uplifting joy because the baby is moving and for that moment i can be certain that s/he is living. And this is every. single. day.... every day. all day.

Please don't get me wrong and think that i am not acknowledging the feelings of my husband, or our parents. I know for a fact that they each find this hard in their own ways and i know that they have all had difficulties that are certainly not any easier than mine simply because they're not carrying this baby. All i'm saying is that they can step away for even just a moment and think about something else. This baby is inside me and it doesn't let me forget abot how fragile this all is for even a second.

Sometimes i feel like all the emotions in my mind are too much, but i know that no amount of screaming or frantic dancing about would be enough to express or release any of it. So all i have to do is take some time to be calm and acknowledge that there's no point in crying, screaming or raving. If i take a moment it all seems overwhelming for a little while, but then it eases again and fades into the background.