11 weeks

Can't sleep! I've been laying in bed for ages just milling things over in my mind. I hate it when that happens. Kept thinking about when our son passed away and the things i should have done but didn't. Like when i didn't stay with him long enough when he was in special care. I didn't see him really alive for long enough. Then when he died i didn't go with the nurse to wash and dress him and i should have done.

I was also thinking about my friend who has just had her baby at 37 weeks today and they're almost certain he has down syndrome. I feel terrified for her. He is in special care at the moment, but he has problems with his heart and his red blood cells. It's so not fair. His mum says that she feels like it's not her life. I know that feeling. The numbness. I hope he does well in special care. I know that the seriousness of his condition varies quite a bit. I'm praying so hard that he will be okay.

My other friend with the premature twins is doing okay. The girls heart stopped today and they are up and down a lot, but they're fighting on.

Thinking about this pregnancy and the baby growing inside me does not often give me joyous feelings. I hate that i feel that way. Tonight i tried to imagine taking a healthy baby home with me and seeing him/her smile and hear them cry for the first time and i can't. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. It's easier and seems more likely to imagine that we will have another loss. Whenever i think of the future of this pregnancy it's with a heavy heart and a sense of sad inevitability. I just can't picture a happy ending.

We have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital tomorrow and i have a list of questions to ask. We haven't been told what the meeting is about, but i'm guessing it's to discuss my care. Although, of course i have been having thoughts of getting there and the consultant telling me that my notes say the chances for this baby aren't good and it will be touch and go all the way through. Of course i think that. I think of every single bad scenario i possibly can! I'm still secretly thinking that the baby has already died inside me.

Will i ever, ever have something positive to write? I'm sick of writing and feeling like everything is going to go wrong. I have no hope, but a tiny fraction and it's wearing me down. I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this hard last time.