30 weeks 5 days

I went into the hospital today to get a trace done. The baby is absolutely fine and the trace looked great apparently.

I'd been worried because the baby didn't seem to be moving as vigorously as usual. About a week ago it was making huge movements and kicking all over, but then it slowed right down to more pokes and prods. I wasn't REALLY worried because it was still moving and often. Plus, i had heard the heartbeat every day with my doppler. It's just that i knew i would feel reassured if i went for the trace, and i also got to thinking that if anything did happen, i would blame myself for not going in when i'd considered it.

It's just so hard to rely on my intuition. All the books and websites i read tell you that you should listen to your intuition and if you feel that something is "not quite right" you should take heed and get seen. Mine is broken! I always feel like something is "not quite right" and if i took myself off to the midwife or hospital every time i felt like something was wrong i'd go every day almost. I'm not exaggerating. I remember having a conversation with one of my friends and she was so sorry for me when i told her that there isn't a day goes by that i don't convince myself that the baby has died. I suppose that's just normal for me, so i forget how pitiful that must sound to anyone else. It's a wonder my blood pressure isn't a lot higher!!

So, yeah. As soon as i got on the monitor for the trace the baby started kicking up a RIGHT commotion. S/he was all over the place. Moving like i haven't felt it move in ages. It was very reassuring, but annoying too. I felt a bit silly afterwards because it wasn't just a little bit of movment. It was literally going crackers in there! Now though, it's gone back to how it was before! There was a bit of a mini commotion earlier when i was eating my lunch, but now it's gone back to being lazy again. Sods law.

They were really very nice at the hospital and didn't make me feel like i'd wasted their time or anything. The midwife and doctor i saw were encouraging and asked me to go in again if i did notice anything different again. If only my intuition wasn't broken huh!

Oh, also i'd been wondering about whether i should try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) this time. I didn't think i even had the option, but i stumbled across the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists website and their guidelines say a VBAC after 2 caesareans is possible and in some respects safer than a repeat section. I was so confused! I've spent a good few days researching about it and asking various people and I've been emailing back and forth with a really helpful, lovely doula. I spoke to the doctor i saw today and she said that although it is possible, the nature of my previous pregnancies and the various risk factors involved means that she would recommend that i have a repeat elective caesarean section this time. She just said that they wouldn't induce me and because i have two scars and one of them is higher on my uterus with my second baby being only 25 weeks when she was delivered, i'm not a good candidate. I think maybe if i hadn't had everything go wrong the last couple of times i would perhaps try to get a VBAC, but truth be told, i was just grateful to be told "No, that's not recommended" so that i can move on and not have to think about it anymore.