6 weeks 5 days

I was stood in the post office queue today and i could smell everyone! The guy in front of me with the foisty fleece, the cheap perfume. Ack! Just the cloying stench of 30 people in a warm enclosed space! There was water coming up in my mouth and my eyes were watering. It was horrible! I gipped a few times!

I'm thinking that i can feel my uterus already. Not form the outside, but from the inside. When i press my belly i can feel it. It's a wierd feeling that you can't explain and you forget about completely until you feel it again.

The husband is upstairs playing his guitar and i am just browsing random crap on the Internet. I keep thinking i should walk to the shop cause i feel like having some chocolate, but i can't be arsed. I'm yawning so wide the top of my head almost comes unhinged!

It's great to be 6 weeks pregnant because you can go to bed really early and no one minds because you've got to "get your rest". Also, you can eat chocolate as much as you want and no one can tell you off because it's your substitute for not drinking!

Oh well, i think i'll go and get my box of maternity gear out. I'm not quite ready for it yet, but my work trousers are definately too tight... oh yeah, that's right... they were tight before i got knocked up. HA!

6 weeks 4 days

I'm so tired! I've just finished another 2 hours of pre-course work for a course i'm going on in a few weeks. At least i'm doing it now though and not leaving it until the last minute. That's not like me, but it feels much better!

I bought a pregnancy magazine today and across the front it says "9 Magical Months" Ha ha ha ha! I laughed. It was magical, the first time. It was magical and easy and carefree and wonderful. Shame i've been denied that, because pregnancy is supposed to be a magical 9 months. If i were writing that line though i'd probably call it "9 Tense Months" Ha!

6 weeks & 2 days

Today i experienced morning sickness for the first time this pregnancy. Hurray! Hopefully this is a great sign and it means that bub #3 is snuggling in for the long haul!

My brand of morning sickness is more of an all day sickness triggered by stuff like travelling in the car or inadvertantly inhaling someones fag smoke. I almost puked on someone smoking at the bus stop today when i walked past. Blech!

I'm proper constipated too, but i know i just have to put up with it cause the poo has to come out at some point. I started needing a poo yesterday morning sometime and this morning a bit made it out, but it was hard to crown. You know what i mean. Tonight it all came out so that's me for another few days. I'm happy now. Pregnancy does wonderful things to your body!

As from tomorrow i'm working from the office in my home town, which means i have gained ten hours a week that i used to spend commuting. I am so so so happy! I will be able to sleep in until 7am every morning and i'll be home for about 20 past 5. Wow! You don't realise just how much wasted time you spend commuting until you suddenly have that time back. I was getting up before 6am and getting back in at 6pm. 12 hours spent getting ready, travelling and working for 8 hours of pay. Hmmmm.... Now the work / life balance is better, and i need it to be in my condition. Not that i'm an invalid or anything, but i can't do 12 hour days pregnant again. I did it last time and there's always been a niggling doubt over whether working too hard contributed to loosing our daughter. (Guilt anyone?) It makes sense too for my appointments which are all going to be in in my home town.

I hope i can sleep tonight because i got bugger all last night. I went to bed a bit late with it being bank holiday and not wanting to go to work the next day. So, i think i had got past it by the time i tried to sleep. I tossed and turned for what felt like ages and then kept waking up all the time. When my alarm went off this morning i was wide awake straight away too, which never happens, so i don't think i was properly asleep. I certainly didn't feel like i'd slept a wink.

We're Pregnant Again!

I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant and this is our 3rd child. Our first, a son, was lost to Vasa Praevia at one day old and our second, a daughter, was still born at 25 weeks.

This pregnancy was very much wanted and we tried for 5 months before being successful, but nothing can prepare you for that mix of emotions once you see those two beautiful lines. I was, and am still, happy and sad and excited and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes i can barely concentrate because my mind is thinking of too many things together.

So, when i first tested i was 10DPO (days past ovulation) and i got a really feint line on a Church & Dwight generic test. They're the people who make First Response. I didn't trust the line because the test was expired, so i did another the next morning and that one also had the feintest of lines, but it was still on an expired test, so i went and got a First Response and waited until the next day. Sure enough at 12DPO i got my fantastic BFP (big fat positive)! My first reaction was to get giddy. I looked at the test, then grinned, then looked again, then mock stamped my feet in excitement, then looked again, then put it down and danced, then picked it up again. I must have looked at that pretty line a hundred times or more!! I tiptoed in to see my husband who was still in bed and said "I'm pregnant." His reply? "Oh. Nice one." He's never been a pick you up and swing you round kind of a guy, but i knew he was happy.

I'm feeling okay so far, but i wanted to make this blog so that i could air some of my feelings anonymously. Sometimes i don't really think about what could possibly happen, but when i do it's like it's literally too much for my brain to take. I got to work the other day and it took me literally an hour to calm myself down. Not because i was panicking, but because i couldn't stop thinking about what happened with our son, what happened with our daughter, what could happen this time. My head gets full to bursting and no matter what i do i can't start anything else because i can't focus. I really wish i didn't have to work. I am so ready to not be there anymore, but we have bills to pay so i go.

You know, as awful as this sounds i have even, for a tiny tiny tiny tiny fraction of a second, contemplated a termination. Not because this baby isn't the most wanted and already loved baby ever, because it is. I just can't bear to have to live through another loss like we did before. It's changed me and jaded me and i consider myself incredibly lucky that i didn't get clinically depressed, but if it happened again.... I don't know. So, it had crossed my mind. NOT in a serious way at ALL and i would NEVER do it, but i thought about it. Thought about loosing it now, when it's easier on my body and may be easier mentally. So, i can add that to my guilt pile already.