We went to see the Consultants Registrar at the hospital today. The actual Consultant is on holiday, but i'll be seeing her two weeks today. The appointment went well and the Registrar went through our history and really took his time to understand what happened to us.
He talked about plans for delivery in brief and said that they would try to balance taking the baby as soon as is safe without it being too premature, but we would discuss that in more detail later on. He told me that i will be getting scanned every 4 weeks after my anomoly scan and i will be seeing the Consultant often.
I feel reassured and pleased that they are going to be keeping a close eye on me.
I'm going to try try try to be more positive and think positively. I just daren't hope. For some crazy reason i feel like if i let myself hope for a good ending, or even imagine taking a baby home it will be that much harder if the worst happens! I can't think like that. I need to try to take some happiness and joy from this otherwise it's going to be the most miserable remaining 5 months of my life!!
So last night i thought i felt something in my belly... Then today i felt something for definate. I'm just not certain it's the baby. In fact, i'm thinking that it's likely not. I mean, it was in the right place and everything and it certainly felt like early baby movements, but i'm not at all sure. Isn't it too early? On saying that though, i could be a little further along. My EPADS scan put me at a couple of days ahead to what i guessed through ovulation. I would be 11 + 3 today going by my scan. Oh well, i guess i'll get a better idea of date after my scans next week. For now i'll just continue to be completely unsure about the movement...
Monday 30 June 2008
Sunday 29 June 2008
11 weeks
Can't sleep! I've been laying in bed for ages just milling things over in my mind. I hate it when that happens. Kept thinking about when our son passed away and the things i should have done but didn't. Like when i didn't stay with him long enough when he was in special care. I didn't see him really alive for long enough. Then when he died i didn't go with the nurse to wash and dress him and i should have done.
I was also thinking about my friend who has just had her baby at 37 weeks today and they're almost certain he has down syndrome. I feel terrified for her. He is in special care at the moment, but he has problems with his heart and his red blood cells. It's so not fair. His mum says that she feels like it's not her life. I know that feeling. The numbness. I hope he does well in special care. I know that the seriousness of his condition varies quite a bit. I'm praying so hard that he will be okay.
My other friend with the premature twins is doing okay. The girls heart stopped today and they are up and down a lot, but they're fighting on.
Thinking about this pregnancy and the baby growing inside me does not often give me joyous feelings. I hate that i feel that way. Tonight i tried to imagine taking a healthy baby home with me and seeing him/her smile and hear them cry for the first time and i can't. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. It's easier and seems more likely to imagine that we will have another loss. Whenever i think of the future of this pregnancy it's with a heavy heart and a sense of sad inevitability. I just can't picture a happy ending.
We have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital tomorrow and i have a list of questions to ask. We haven't been told what the meeting is about, but i'm guessing it's to discuss my care. Although, of course i have been having thoughts of getting there and the consultant telling me that my notes say the chances for this baby aren't good and it will be touch and go all the way through. Of course i think that. I think of every single bad scenario i possibly can! I'm still secretly thinking that the baby has already died inside me.
Will i ever, ever have something positive to write? I'm sick of writing and feeling like everything is going to go wrong. I have no hope, but a tiny fraction and it's wearing me down. I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this hard last time.
I was also thinking about my friend who has just had her baby at 37 weeks today and they're almost certain he has down syndrome. I feel terrified for her. He is in special care at the moment, but he has problems with his heart and his red blood cells. It's so not fair. His mum says that she feels like it's not her life. I know that feeling. The numbness. I hope he does well in special care. I know that the seriousness of his condition varies quite a bit. I'm praying so hard that he will be okay.
My other friend with the premature twins is doing okay. The girls heart stopped today and they are up and down a lot, but they're fighting on.
Thinking about this pregnancy and the baby growing inside me does not often give me joyous feelings. I hate that i feel that way. Tonight i tried to imagine taking a healthy baby home with me and seeing him/her smile and hear them cry for the first time and i can't. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. It's easier and seems more likely to imagine that we will have another loss. Whenever i think of the future of this pregnancy it's with a heavy heart and a sense of sad inevitability. I just can't picture a happy ending.
We have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital tomorrow and i have a list of questions to ask. We haven't been told what the meeting is about, but i'm guessing it's to discuss my care. Although, of course i have been having thoughts of getting there and the consultant telling me that my notes say the chances for this baby aren't good and it will be touch and go all the way through. Of course i think that. I think of every single bad scenario i possibly can! I'm still secretly thinking that the baby has already died inside me.
Will i ever, ever have something positive to write? I'm sick of writing and feeling like everything is going to go wrong. I have no hope, but a tiny fraction and it's wearing me down. I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this hard last time.
Saturday 28 June 2008
10 weeks 6 days
I've got diarrhea. We had a Chinese take away last night and then i woke up at 3am with terrible stomach cramps. I had a runny poo and the cramps went away until i ate lunch today and they came back. I've been on the toilet for hours with cramping in between.
I called the NHS Direct for advice and the nurse there said to drink plenty and avoid too much protein and fatty foods. She said if the symptoms get worse in a few hours i have to call back.
Do i need to mention how worried i am? The last time i had diarrhea while pregnant my daughter died inside me 2 days later.
I called the NHS Direct for advice and the nurse there said to drink plenty and avoid too much protein and fatty foods. She said if the symptoms get worse in a few hours i have to call back.
Do i need to mention how worried i am? The last time i had diarrhea while pregnant my daughter died inside me 2 days later.
Monday 23 June 2008
10 weeks 1 day
Oh my goodness i cannot for the life of me motivate myself!!! I am sat at work trying to make a start and i can't because i keep getting sidetracked by my stupid thoughts...
1. I must leave my maternity leave as pencilled in on my annual leave chart because if i rub it out and change it to red pen then i'll be jinxing it.
2. I wonder if the baby has died. How would i know...? Symptoms would stop. I still have symptoms. How long would it take for them to stop...? Some of them wouldn't stop as long as the baby is still in me, like peeing all the time.
3. Thinking about my 20 week scan, if the baby has something wrong with it we will keep it regardless. If it's something like a cleft palette obviously that's doable, but what if it's something else. What if it's anencephally? Well i won't let them do a c-section because that's the end then! They will have to induce me... but what if my uterus ruptures...?
OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I must leave my maternity leave as pencilled in on my annual leave chart because if i rub it out and change it to red pen then i'll be jinxing it.
2. I wonder if the baby has died. How would i know...? Symptoms would stop. I still have symptoms. How long would it take for them to stop...? Some of them wouldn't stop as long as the baby is still in me, like peeing all the time.
3. Thinking about my 20 week scan, if the baby has something wrong with it we will keep it regardless. If it's something like a cleft palette obviously that's doable, but what if it's something else. What if it's anencephally? Well i won't let them do a c-section because that's the end then! They will have to induce me... but what if my uterus ruptures...?
OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday 22 June 2008
10 weeks
I've just finished sorting out all my clothes into batches of "completely not for wearing while pregnant," "could get away with for a while" and "maternity." I really really hope i haven't jinxed things by doing that, but i really needed to get things in order. I'm definately starting to bulk out in front and most of my usual clothes just don't cut the mustard.
On the subject of bulk in front, i wonder when the neighbours will think i am so obviously pregnant that it's okay to ask about it...? I am definately looking like i've got a belly now, but it still could easily be mistaken for flab. Lovely.
Gawd, i hope i don't have to put all my sodding maternity stuff away again soon.
I've not put on any weight yet. The scales at the midwifes said i weighed 11 stone, but i don't believe them! The midwife said that kids come in and jump up and down on them, so they must be off. Our scales at home said 10 stone 7, which is more like it. I could definately do with not putting any weight on yet. I've got plenty of arse and thigh for the baby to live off for a while yet.
Yet again i note that my Erics (jemba jembas) have not grown at all. Most of the books i read say that by now i will have noticed an increase in my breast size. Have i buggery! I've shit out in that department again!
On the subject of bulk in front, i wonder when the neighbours will think i am so obviously pregnant that it's okay to ask about it...? I am definately looking like i've got a belly now, but it still could easily be mistaken for flab. Lovely.
Gawd, i hope i don't have to put all my sodding maternity stuff away again soon.
I've not put on any weight yet. The scales at the midwifes said i weighed 11 stone, but i don't believe them! The midwife said that kids come in and jump up and down on them, so they must be off. Our scales at home said 10 stone 7, which is more like it. I could definately do with not putting any weight on yet. I've got plenty of arse and thigh for the baby to live off for a while yet.
Yet again i note that my Erics (jemba jembas) have not grown at all. Most of the books i read say that by now i will have noticed an increase in my breast size. Have i buggery! I've shit out in that department again!
Monday 16 June 2008
9 weeks 1 day
I'm on the edge of my seat all the time because one of my best friends had her babies on Friday at 27 weeks. They are girl and boy twins and both seemed to be doing fine, but she went into early labour and they couldn't stop it. They are in special care at the moment and are fighting like troopers and we all just have to keep on hoping and praying for the best! I'm terrified for her and i just wasnt to be there to help. I know if would only be in the way, but i know how she feels because i've been there. At least her babies prognosis' are better than my sons by far. I know how it feels to see your little one in special care though. Hooked up to machines and looking all frail and not being able to hold them. I know how it feels to barely be able to move because of your c-section incision, but all you want to do is stand next to your baby's cot to look at him.
Urgh!!!! Why do the people who deserve this the most always get shit on??????
Urgh!!!! Why do the people who deserve this the most always get shit on??????
Thursday 12 June 2008
8 weeks 4 days
I'm more than halfway through a week long course i've taken away from home. I must say i've really missed being at home and i've missed my husband a lot too. I have really noticed the lack of physical contact and i don't mean sexual, just cuddles and messing about, you know.
The people on the course know i'm pregnant. I knew i am at that stupid "Is she fat or pregnant?" stage, so i tried to ascertain early on that i'm actually both. My belly just won't suck in at all!
There's nothing new happening on the pregnancy front. I felt quite nausious this morning, but that's about it. I'm not sleeping that great with me being away from home, so that adds to the tiredness.
22 weeks until maternity leave! I shouldnt wish the time away, and really i am trying my hardest NOT to do that, but i am so far overdue for being a mum (in practice) i can't help it! I have almost got there twice only to have to go right back to square minus one.
I've put on tons of weight already and it doesnt help that the hotel only really does 'posh' food, so i've been having a 3 course meal every night!! I dread to think how much i'll weigh when i get home, but i was 11 stone before i came here! Yikes! WTF happened to 9 stone me?! Oh yeah - 3 babies!!
The people on the course know i'm pregnant. I knew i am at that stupid "Is she fat or pregnant?" stage, so i tried to ascertain early on that i'm actually both. My belly just won't suck in at all!
There's nothing new happening on the pregnancy front. I felt quite nausious this morning, but that's about it. I'm not sleeping that great with me being away from home, so that adds to the tiredness.
22 weeks until maternity leave! I shouldnt wish the time away, and really i am trying my hardest NOT to do that, but i am so far overdue for being a mum (in practice) i can't help it! I have almost got there twice only to have to go right back to square minus one.
I've put on tons of weight already and it doesnt help that the hotel only really does 'posh' food, so i've been having a 3 course meal every night!! I dread to think how much i'll weigh when i get home, but i was 11 stone before i came here! Yikes! WTF happened to 9 stone me?! Oh yeah - 3 babies!!
Thursday 5 June 2008
7 weeks 4 days
Hurray for the blob! I got my scan yesterday and we saw a wonderful little splodge of a person with a flicker of a heartbeat. I was SO relieved, even though i wasn't really that concerned something was wrong. I had a vaginal swab while i was there which will test for stuff like thrush and Strep B. Should get my results for that in a few weeks.
It was my booking in appointment with the midwife today too. She was lovely! Completely perfect in her manner - not too sympathetic so's to be just pathetic and not too matter of fact so's to be insensitive. She asked me all the usual questions about whether the husband and i are blood relatives and if i've had a female circumcision ::wince:: Then she took a few vials of blood and gave me stuff to read. Next appointment at 16 weeks.
Today i wandered into town at lunch. My pregnancy magazine tells me that a perfect lunch hour for a pregnant lady should be comprised of 15 minutes of walking, 30 minutes of sitting in a cafe or a park eating and 15 minutes with the feet up, literally. So i got a sarnie and a smoothie from the deli and sat in the park. As i was wandering about though i saw loads of pregnant ladies and women with prams and pushchairs, all looking positively bored out of their minds. I hope they realise just how lucky they are and that there are women who would quite probably kill to be in their shoes.
Then as i was sitting eating i fell in to a mornge because i was jealous of all the normal mums. All i want to do, and all i have wanted to do for the past 3 years is be a mum. I just want to have a living child that i can spend time with and teach and get mad at and laugh at and all those other normal things that normal mums with normal, not dead, babys do. I've got one foot in work and one foot in motherhood. I completely resent the fact that i have to be working at all! I shouldn't be here! I should be at home with a naughty 19 month old tearing up the place while i try to sooth a crying 6 month old.
It's not fair.
It was my booking in appointment with the midwife today too. She was lovely! Completely perfect in her manner - not too sympathetic so's to be just pathetic and not too matter of fact so's to be insensitive. She asked me all the usual questions about whether the husband and i are blood relatives and if i've had a female circumcision ::wince:: Then she took a few vials of blood and gave me stuff to read. Next appointment at 16 weeks.
Today i wandered into town at lunch. My pregnancy magazine tells me that a perfect lunch hour for a pregnant lady should be comprised of 15 minutes of walking, 30 minutes of sitting in a cafe or a park eating and 15 minutes with the feet up, literally. So i got a sarnie and a smoothie from the deli and sat in the park. As i was wandering about though i saw loads of pregnant ladies and women with prams and pushchairs, all looking positively bored out of their minds. I hope they realise just how lucky they are and that there are women who would quite probably kill to be in their shoes.
Then as i was sitting eating i fell in to a mornge because i was jealous of all the normal mums. All i want to do, and all i have wanted to do for the past 3 years is be a mum. I just want to have a living child that i can spend time with and teach and get mad at and laugh at and all those other normal things that normal mums with normal, not dead, babys do. I've got one foot in work and one foot in motherhood. I completely resent the fact that i have to be working at all! I shouldn't be here! I should be at home with a naughty 19 month old tearing up the place while i try to sooth a crying 6 month old.
It's not fair.
Monday 2 June 2008
7 weeks 1 day
I'm just on my lunch at work after being out to get something to eat. Working in my home town is brilliant, but i forgot just how much scum there is! I went to a cafe to get a hot chocolate and some toasted teacakes (i had two - greedy i know!) First of all as i was sat down an old couple gestured towards the seats next to me and the bloke mumbled something. I replied "Of course you can, yeah!" thinking that they'd asked if they could sit there. They looked at each other confused and then the woman said "Is anyone sitting here?" ah, okay. I'd misheard his grumble. I replied "Oh no, go ahead." The bloke sat down while the woman went to get served at the counter and the whole time she was away he stared at me. I was reading a magazine so i ignored him... maybe he was just reading the other side of my tat mag... Then when she came back they both just sat there looking miserable and not speaking. Christ! If my husband and i end up like that i swear i will just divorce him! No matter how old we are!! Miserable old gits! Now, one of my pet hates is people who don't smile and have no manners, so this irked me. Their lack of smiling i mean. It doesn't cost anything!
Then as i got up to go the cafe was quite crowded with people coming in. I started towards the door, but noticed a couple of people coming my way, so i stood in a little and waited for them to pass. Did they say thank you? No. Did they smile? No. Did they even look at me? Did they bloody hell! So, i said "You're very welcome." as the first one made their miserable way past and "You're welcome as well." as the second smacked-arse faced bitch skulked past. I can't stand rude people!! Even when i was in the hospital after loosing our children and had every right to be a sour-faced twat i was courteous and polite and SMILED at people when they came to see me. It might have been a tear streaked, pathetic wince of a smile, but i made the effort!
So yeah, i hate scum.
I went to the doctors this morning and she booked me in for a scan at EPADS (Early Pregnancy Day Assessment Service). I have to be there for 08.20 on Thursday and prepare to be there all morning. I'm nervous as hell, but looking forward to getting some reassurance, hopefully.
Then i have my first midwifes appointment on Thursday morning. This is the one that lasts an hour and they take your family history, details of previous pregnancies and births etc. I can't wait to get my green notes back after that. It feels more real when you have your notes!
I definately feel pregnant today. I am cramping, i can feel my uterus and i felt sick this morning on the way to work. My morning sickness manifests itself as travel sickness for some reason. I read that's quite common though. At least i'm not barfing at work. Although, i'd love to be barfing at work if it means the bub is healthy...
Then as i got up to go the cafe was quite crowded with people coming in. I started towards the door, but noticed a couple of people coming my way, so i stood in a little and waited for them to pass. Did they say thank you? No. Did they smile? No. Did they even look at me? Did they bloody hell! So, i said "You're very welcome." as the first one made their miserable way past and "You're welcome as well." as the second smacked-arse faced bitch skulked past. I can't stand rude people!! Even when i was in the hospital after loosing our children and had every right to be a sour-faced twat i was courteous and polite and SMILED at people when they came to see me. It might have been a tear streaked, pathetic wince of a smile, but i made the effort!
So yeah, i hate scum.
I went to the doctors this morning and she booked me in for a scan at EPADS (Early Pregnancy Day Assessment Service). I have to be there for 08.20 on Thursday and prepare to be there all morning. I'm nervous as hell, but looking forward to getting some reassurance, hopefully.
Then i have my first midwifes appointment on Thursday morning. This is the one that lasts an hour and they take your family history, details of previous pregnancies and births etc. I can't wait to get my green notes back after that. It feels more real when you have your notes!
I definately feel pregnant today. I am cramping, i can feel my uterus and i felt sick this morning on the way to work. My morning sickness manifests itself as travel sickness for some reason. I read that's quite common though. At least i'm not barfing at work. Although, i'd love to be barfing at work if it means the bub is healthy...
Sunday 1 June 2008
7 weeks
We made it to 7 weeks baby (i hope). Well, we made it to 7 weeks with no signs of a miscarriage yet.
My belly is getting more bloated, which is nice. I've started wearing my maternity trousers, but just because i am uncomfortable with things pressing down hard on my belly. My normal trousers are too tight on me to be comfy.
I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning to see if i can get a scan. The doctor was lovely last time she saw me. She said she would send the scan request form off and see what they said, but she warned me that the scan staff are pretty heartless and despite my previous losses i probably dont fit the criteria for getting a scan, because i'm not bleeding or anything. So, because i got no scan appointment through we can assume that they said no so the doctor said she would help me again tomorrow. I have absolutely no moral objections about lying to her tomorrow to get me a scan. The reason my son died is because the sodding NHS (as a general entity) failed me. They fucking owe me!
My belly is getting more bloated, which is nice. I've started wearing my maternity trousers, but just because i am uncomfortable with things pressing down hard on my belly. My normal trousers are too tight on me to be comfy.
I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning to see if i can get a scan. The doctor was lovely last time she saw me. She said she would send the scan request form off and see what they said, but she warned me that the scan staff are pretty heartless and despite my previous losses i probably dont fit the criteria for getting a scan, because i'm not bleeding or anything. So, because i got no scan appointment through we can assume that they said no so the doctor said she would help me again tomorrow. I have absolutely no moral objections about lying to her tomorrow to get me a scan. The reason my son died is because the sodding NHS (as a general entity) failed me. They fucking owe me!
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