I went to bed last night and the baby wasn't as active as usual, so i held my breath between each kick, thinking that another one wasn't going to happen. Then i woke up this morning and the baby didn't kick at all. I got up, made breakfast, checked out the message boards for a while and still no kicks. Then all of a sudden, an hour after i woke up the baby did a big kick...
...and i burst into hysterical tears of relief!
It shouldn't be like this, it's not fair. I know i keep on harping on about what is fair and what is not, but it ISN'T fair that this has been ruined for us. Anyone else gets pregnant, is cautious for the first twelve weeks and then gets excited and starts buying up every baby shop in town, their parents come with gifts for the baby, they have a baby shower, decorate the nursery and everything else. I am fed up of being too scared to even allow myself too many daydreams about what it will be like once baby is here. I haven't made any plans or pictured what it will be like bringing baby home because i daren't. I'm too scared to even talk about the baby in a definite future tense. Instead i litter conversations about the future with words like "hopefully" and "God willing" and "if we're lucky" and i'm constantly touching wood. I don't want to be so terrified anymore!
I'm even fed up of hearing my own internal whine about how unfair it all is. I'm not usually a petulant person, i swear. I understand that things aren't easy for everyone and there are far, far more people out there with far worse problems than us. I do need to remember this, i know.
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