18 weeks 6 days

I'm not doing so good. Every night for the past few nights i've had a bad dream where i've been crying, fighting, guilty and upset. I don't know what's happening to me! It's like all these feelings that i don't usually have are manifesting themselves in my dreams and it's awful. When i wake up it puts me in a depression from the offset and it's really hard to recover from. I know that it's quite common to have vivid dreams when you're pregnant, and i would much rather have these than the ones about loosing the baby, but they still suck.

Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.

I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.

So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!

I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.

I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!

So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.

Where's me gone? :(