I can't standing being at work.
It's awful.
Baby is moving well though. Got a big ole kick last night, but sods law that when i tried to feel it by putting my hand there, there was nothing. Babies don't perform on demand!
We have our appointment for a private scan with the same guy we went to at 12 weeks to check for Vasa Praevia. That's on Monday and i'm shitting bricks. I'm not completely scared about it because the 12 week scan was great and we got the all clear, but there are so many other things that could go wrong and show up at an anomaly scan. I can't stop thinking about it.
Thursday 21 August 2008
Tuesday 19 August 2008
18 weeks 6 days
I'm not doing so good. Every night for the past few nights i've had a bad dream where i've been crying, fighting, guilty and upset. I don't know what's happening to me! It's like all these feelings that i don't usually have are manifesting themselves in my dreams and it's awful. When i wake up it puts me in a depression from the offset and it's really hard to recover from. I know that it's quite common to have vivid dreams when you're pregnant, and i would much rather have these than the ones about loosing the baby, but they still suck.
Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.
I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.
So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!
I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.
I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!
So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.
Where's me gone? :(
Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.
I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.
So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!
I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.
I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!
So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.
Where's me gone? :(
Monday 11 August 2008
17 weeks 5 days
I am a shit blogger. I haven't wrote in here for ages.
Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.
I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!
Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.
Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.
Fucking arsehole.
Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.
I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!
Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.
Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.
Fucking arsehole.
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