We're Pregnant Again!

I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant and this is our 3rd child. Our first, a son, was lost to Vasa Praevia at one day old and our second, a daughter, was still born at 25 weeks.

This pregnancy was very much wanted and we tried for 5 months before being successful, but nothing can prepare you for that mix of emotions once you see those two beautiful lines. I was, and am still, happy and sad and excited and terrified all at the same time. Sometimes i can barely concentrate because my mind is thinking of too many things together.

So, when i first tested i was 10DPO (days past ovulation) and i got a really feint line on a Church & Dwight generic test. They're the people who make First Response. I didn't trust the line because the test was expired, so i did another the next morning and that one also had the feintest of lines, but it was still on an expired test, so i went and got a First Response and waited until the next day. Sure enough at 12DPO i got my fantastic BFP (big fat positive)! My first reaction was to get giddy. I looked at the test, then grinned, then looked again, then mock stamped my feet in excitement, then looked again, then put it down and danced, then picked it up again. I must have looked at that pretty line a hundred times or more!! I tiptoed in to see my husband who was still in bed and said "I'm pregnant." His reply? "Oh. Nice one." He's never been a pick you up and swing you round kind of a guy, but i knew he was happy.

I'm feeling okay so far, but i wanted to make this blog so that i could air some of my feelings anonymously. Sometimes i don't really think about what could possibly happen, but when i do it's like it's literally too much for my brain to take. I got to work the other day and it took me literally an hour to calm myself down. Not because i was panicking, but because i couldn't stop thinking about what happened with our son, what happened with our daughter, what could happen this time. My head gets full to bursting and no matter what i do i can't start anything else because i can't focus. I really wish i didn't have to work. I am so ready to not be there anymore, but we have bills to pay so i go.

You know, as awful as this sounds i have even, for a tiny tiny tiny tiny fraction of a second, contemplated a termination. Not because this baby isn't the most wanted and already loved baby ever, because it is. I just can't bear to have to live through another loss like we did before. It's changed me and jaded me and i consider myself incredibly lucky that i didn't get clinically depressed, but if it happened again.... I don't know. So, it had crossed my mind. NOT in a serious way at ALL and i would NEVER do it, but i thought about it. Thought about loosing it now, when it's easier on my body and may be easier mentally. So, i can add that to my guilt pile already.