30 weeks 1 day

I've turned the 30 week corner! Three quarters of the way there! This means that i only have ten weeks left at the absolute most, but it is more likely to be 8 or 9. It's a weird feeling. I have been trying not to mentally rush through this and to enjoy each day as it comes, but it's really hard sometimes. Now i'm over 30 weeks and it seems to have gone by so fast! It doesn't seem two minutes since i was turning 25 weeks and remarking on how it was a milestone for me. Now i only have to do that same period of time again twice (almost) and i'm done!

I let myself have a little daydream today. I was thinking about sending a birth announcement to the vicar who did our sons and daughters funerals and writing a letter telling him that we would like to get this little one Christened by him in the summer. It was a nice daydream and i didn't think any negative thoughts really at all. Of course there's always the subconscious insertion of "hopefully" and "if we're lucky" before and after everything i think, do or say relating to this baby, but that's par for the course!

We have a boys name that we both really, really like. It's a bit different, which is why we're glad we won't be announcing it until after the baby is here. It's actually both a boys and girls name, so we could use it for either, which is great because we really do like it a lot. Our girls name that we had before is still nice, but this one is too. I guess it's good that we'll have a couple to pick from once we see him/her in the flesh. I still think it's a boy though.

It's weird because at the 20 week scan i thought it was a girl and my husband thought it was a boy. I thought that on the couple of between the leg shots i didn't see anything, but then i watched the video more clearly and the angle was all wrong, the legs were closed, so of course you didn't see anything, it was just the tops of the thighs. Then at this last scan the trainee technician asked her trainer if she should photograph "this bit" and on the screen was a mass of legs and what looked like a willy and little baby balls. So, that just confused me! I spoke to Scott about it and he thought that from that scan it looked like a girl!! Ha ha! So, the long and the short of it is that neither of us has any clue what so ever, which is GREAT! I am loving it being a surprise and i can't wait until my husband tells me in the delivery room.

That's the best daydream i have and i've been having it for ages now. It's one of the few i allow. LOL! I am on the table having my c-section and they pull the baby out and show the parts to my husband. He then tells me the sex of the baby and i most likely ask "Is s/he okay?" about a million times!

It's nice to have that. I suppose this is what hope feels like, and why it's such a nice thing. I may never ever get to experience anything like that ever in my life, but right now, in this moment. Just thinking about it and hoping that it might come true is lovely.

29 weeks 2 days

Today marks the last day of the 31 for 21 Down Syndrome Awareness blogging thing. I know i haven't wrote about Down Syndrome really, but i am hoping that at least my efforts to join in and make sure i post every day show support to the cause.

Love to Dylan. xx

29 weeks 1 day

Oh my, i have been feeling blue today. Not really down, and not about anything in particular, but just blue. You know you have those days where you just feel a little low.

Then i went and watched The Colour Purple. WHY? My mind was too fragile to be watching that film! I was crying and crying and crying. My face looked like the back end of a babboon in heat by the time i'd finished!! I planned to go to the supermarket afterwards, but had to wait about an hour and a half for the swelling to go down.

Bloody hormones!!

29 weeks

I can't believe i am 29 weeks pregnant! In some ways i feel more pregnant than that and in some ways far less. It's very odd. There's no mistaking my belly and my line has made a reappearance (linea nigra).

I'm not getting great sleep on a night though. Last night i was awake even more than the previous night. I wake up to turn over, get another pillow, loose the pillow, take some Rennies, have a drink or go to the loo. LOL! It's a bloody good job i'm at home all day to catch up on sleep!!

I've not been having many bad thoughts recently - hope i haven't 'spoke' too soon about that. I definitely think that getting the dates of my losses out of the way has helped a lot. It's not that i don't think about it now, but more like i don't dwell on it if you know what i mean.

My blood sugars are still great, but being diabetic still sucks badgers balls. I really, really, really hope i don't get type 2 later on cause it's CRAP! And i'm only borderline so i can still eat some bad stuff.

28 weeks 6 days

Urgh! I have a headache today. :o( I kept waking up every hour from about 2am with a really dry mouth and a banging head. When i got up for good at 7am it was still there. I had a cup of tea and it didn't go, so i had a full-caff coffee and it didn't go. So... i took two paracetamol's. I feel a bit guilty, but i know that i will be fine otherwise i wouldn't have risked it just for a headache. They made me feel better too, which was great. Still not 100% though.

I was supposed to go on a day trip with friends today, but i had to cancel. Hopefully i won't feel the same tomorrow and i'll be able to go then.

The shower hasn't been reconnected after we had our new boiler fitted so i can't rinse my hair. I have to wash it and put conditioner on and then rush to mum and dads to rinse. It's a pain in the arse. My hair is really greasy right now, but my head hurts too much to wash it. But, if i'm going out tomorrow i can't leave the house with it in this state. So i'm going to have to wash it tonight and go to mum and dads to rinse. Oh the trials and tribulations!!

28 weeks 5 days

My pubic bone is hurting more. It clicks a lot, especially in a morning. It's not too painful yet though - not PSD painful.

We bumped into an old friend today in town. It was nice to see him again and i hope he calls round for a brew at some point. It always leaves me feeling guilty when we see old friends though, because i never feel like we did enough to stay in touch with them. I know we all have our lives that have moved on, but it's such a shame cause we were all so close with each other.

I said to my fella though that it must be something to do with our losses. Usually a couple would get pregnant and slow down socially while pregnant and then for a few months after the birth, but then they would get back into the swing of going out again and seeing people. We have had three years of being pregnant followed by grieving followed by being pregnant followed by grieving followed by being pregnant.

Plus, i suppose we've all changed. Some of us have families and some are still doing what we were doing before we decided to have a family. I guess, too, that it's not just up to me to contact our friends, but they could have contacted us too. Perhaps they have guilt trips too. LOL!

28 weeks 4 days

I've been researching the effect of gestational diabetes on lung maturation in the fetus. It seems that the opinions on that are varied, but it wouldn't hurt to ask for an amniocentesis before they deliver me. I guess i'm going to have to wait as long as i can bear to, in order to ensure the best health for this little one. Some sources say that gestational diabetes slows down lung maturation and whilst usually the lungs mature by 34/35 weeks, in diabetic pregnancies they recommend a wait until 38.5 weeks. I am managing my diabetes well though and my sugars seem fine.

My original consultant talked about delivering after 28 weeks, but i don't have him anymore. I thought at the beginning of this pregnancy that we would take the baby at 35 weeks. Then when i spoke to my consultant that i had in my first trimester she explained that i would be able to deliver at 37 weeks. Now the diabetic consultant stresses how important it is to wait until as close to 39 weeks as we can.

I have mixed feelings about this. Of course the MOST important thing to me is that this baby is living and healthy. I just don't know what to think. Past experience has taught me that my body isn't the healthiest environment for a baby, which means that there is always a part of me every day screaming "get it out now while it's still alive!!" On the other hand, i've been scanned a ton and told by different consultants that this is a low risk, healthy pregnancy. Usually in that case, the best place for baby is inside mum for as long as possible.

My head is in tatters if i dwell too long on the options. If we take the baby too early because i am a paranoid wreck and then something happens because of that i'd never forgive myself. But, what if i choose to carry the baby for longer, thinking i'm doing the right thing and s/he dies before we can make delivery? Urgh! My brain hurts thinking about this, not to mention my heart.

Why do we have to think about things like this? It seems like no one else has to worry about anything more complex than nursery colours and feeding methods. I'll say it again for the umpteenth time, and i'm sure it won't be the last - it's not fair.