I can't standing being at work.
It's awful.
Baby is moving well though. Got a big ole kick last night, but sods law that when i tried to feel it by putting my hand there, there was nothing. Babies don't perform on demand!
We have our appointment for a private scan with the same guy we went to at 12 weeks to check for Vasa Praevia. That's on Monday and i'm shitting bricks. I'm not completely scared about it because the 12 week scan was great and we got the all clear, but there are so many other things that could go wrong and show up at an anomaly scan. I can't stop thinking about it.
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
18 weeks 6 days
I'm not doing so good. Every night for the past few nights i've had a bad dream where i've been crying, fighting, guilty and upset. I don't know what's happening to me! It's like all these feelings that i don't usually have are manifesting themselves in my dreams and it's awful. When i wake up it puts me in a depression from the offset and it's really hard to recover from. I know that it's quite common to have vivid dreams when you're pregnant, and i would much rather have these than the ones about loosing the baby, but they still suck.
Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.
I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.
So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!
I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.
I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!
So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.
Where's me gone? :(
Yesterday was a bad day. I just don't know where my mind is at anymore! I can't even say that i'm constantly worried about the baby, because to be honest i think i've managed to successfully detach myself from it at least some of the time. Maybe that's a sad thing, but i'll deal with that later. This is my coping mechanism and i'm sticking with it. That's the thing though, i don't really feel as if i'm coping with anything. I'm not coping at work, i'm not coping with the housework and i'm not coping with this baby. At work i do the bare minimum i have to, and i know that the Directors have noticed, they're not stupid. I just don't care. I don't feel like i have the capacity to care right now. At home the house is a mess. I am usually a messy person anyway, but right now the bathroom is disgusting, but i can't be bothered to clean it. I am enjoying being pregnant and i'm getting excited about the baby and feeling it move etc. I even felt it from the outside the other day! It makes me smile when i think about it and i'm enjoying looking for names etc. but i am constantly holding back from it.
I feel like i'm holding back from everything. I'm trying to NOT do things - no work, no housework, no thinking too much about the baby. Why am i doing this? Is it some wierd form of excersising control where i can to avoid feeling so out of control? I have no idea.
So this morning i feel depressed. Yesterday i felt depressed. Yesterday at work i made a stupid error that meant i was investigating something for almost two hours that didn't need investigating because i'd made up the problem in my own head. I laughed about it then, but afterwards it just made me sad. I can be dizzy at times, but i care that little about anything at the moment that i didnt think to check out some dates. It's just not like me!! I hate this!
I think the reason i want to be off work so much as soon as possible is so that i won't feel as much responsibility to anything. I don't have major responsibilities at the moment thankfully, but each one that i do have weighs so heavily on me, it feels like a huge thing.
I do some secretarial volunteer work for a drama society i used to be quite involved with on stage etc. and even that is too much. It doesn't help that one of the guys was rude during a call yesterday. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't get spoken to in that way when i'm actually at work getting paid to do a job, so i'll be buggered if i'll continue doing their crap. I'm just going to take it all in to the first rehearsal and hand it over. I'm done. I said when i took it on that if there was much work involved i would only do a half arsed job and everyone laughed and said "you'll be fine" - yeah, course they did - cause no bugger else want to do it!!
So i'm about to set off for work and i really really really really don't want to go. I have a meeting with the Directors today about getting some form of a plan together to hand over my work to whoever is going to be taking it over when i'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping by some kind of miracle that they want me to just type slips (data entry) or something nice and easy that i don't have to think about and that i can do relatively easily and will make the days fly by... wishful thinking i believe. I really hope that they realise that this isn't my normal self at work. I really really hope that the previous six years of employment will speak out about what i can do, rather than these past few months. I do want to have a job there when i go back.
Where's me gone? :(
Monday, 11 August 2008
17 weeks 5 days
I am a shit blogger. I haven't wrote in here for ages.
Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.
I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!
Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.
Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.
Fucking arsehole.
Things are going okay with the pregnancy still. I'm getting bigger each day and starting to feel it move more, although i have to keep reaching for the doppler because i haven't felt it in a few days. This is probably going to sound like the silliest thing ever, but today i noticed that i actually feel like i have a womb with a baby in it on the front of me. It is a daft thing to say because surely that's what i should feel like, but i guess you won't get it unless you've been pregnant before. It's a wierd feeling.
I'm still stewing over a 'break up' with a friend. Basically i slagged his girlfriend off to some of my friends and he got wind of it and was pissed off so he retaliated. He said it was too public because it was on a message board, even though i mentioned no names at all and most of the people on that board don't know me from Adam, never mind guessing who he is. AND he had no place even being there snooping on what i was saying. I wouldn't dream of going to his bloody XBox (or whatever) forum and reading about whatever it is he's ranting about. Much less would i read something about my husband that was nasty and then run and show it to him. Why would you do that to a person!? Anyway, he wrote a really nasty message to me telling me that it was my fault my babies died (amongst other things). I know that he was upset that he'd "caught" me saying nasty things about his girlfriend, but i didn't deserve that. I know i didn't. So i don't like her! I have tried and tried, but she smokes and drinks to excess while being pregnant and just isn't bothered about it (on top of other personality clashes). It's a shame to loose this guy as a friend because we have known him for almost 9 years and have some brilliant memories. My mind just can't seem to let this go and i keep mulling it over. It's not that i regret having an opinion on his girlfriend, because i don't like her and i'm perfectly entitled to slag off who i want to whomever i want. I think i just can't let go because i thought i knew this guy and i never in a million years would have thought that he would say something so hurtful to me. It's not even that i think he believes what he said. I think he was hurt, so he said the thing he knew would cut the deepest and make me the most upset and he hit the bullseye! I wish there was the excuse that it was said in the heat of the moment, but that won't even fly. He had to sign up to the forum to post a reply to me and then when he thought i hadn't seen it he wrote the same thing in a text and sent it to my phone. It was only after i called him out on being an evil bastard that he apologised and said he knew what he said was wrong. So why say it then? It took thought and planning to design a response vindictive and cold enough to really really hurt. Fucking evil bastard. You think you know people and then they fuck you off for some lass they've been dating less than a year. I wouldnt mind, but the reason people have the opinion of her they do is because of what he's told us all!! Don't brag that on one of your first dates you spit roast her with your mate and both 'finished' in her unprotected and then expect everyone to respect her!!!
Anyway. It hurts, but i have enough friends to be forgiving that kind of shit. I'm not desperate.
Still on the same subject i know, but i have to get this out so maybe i'll stop thinking about it. I just hope... scrub that. I just know that when his daughter is born and he sees how precious she is and looks into her face as her father and understands what it is to love his own child. THEN he will be closer to understanding the effect of what he said and i hope it keeps him awake at night the way his words have kept me awake. Hopefully then will he realise just what he did by allowing his girlfriend to risk it all by getting drunk and smoking as much as she did. He will realise how lucky he is and it won't be such a stretch for him to imagine what it was like for us to look into the faces of our children with the same amazement and adoration and love and then have to organise their funerals.
Fucking arsehole.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
14 weeks 1 day
It's the conference at work tomorrow so i've been planning for that all week. It should be really good! I'm taking the photographs, which i will really enjoy and it will keep me occupied while everyone else is getting pissed and lairy.
I'm up quite late to say i'm a preggo. It's quarter to 11 so i should definately be in bed, but i have just updated my journal and i'm not that tired yet. Well, i am tired, but i'm not arsed about going to bed yet. I hope i manage to stay up quite late tomorrow. I need to make sure i get some amusing drunken pictures! Ha! I hope a 4GB is enough storage for photos. If not though i'll just have to transfer them to my laptop when my CF cards get full.
My guinea pig is looking pregnant. She has two bumps on either sides of her that she didnt have before. It's not definate yet though, i suppose i'll have to wait a couple of weeks before it's certain, bless her. She's so cute!!
I've been relatively worry free this week really. I've heard the heartbeat a few times with my doppler and that has tide me over. Plus i've been busy thinking about the conference, so i haven't had time to worry! My next appointment with the midwife is on Friday.
It should only be two weeks at the most until i'm definately feeling the baby. I've had a few pokes here and there, but nothing to convince me 100% that it's the baby yet. I'm not wishing to time away though. I'm looking forward to it, but still cherishing each day i wake up and i'm still pregnant. :o)
I'm up quite late to say i'm a preggo. It's quarter to 11 so i should definately be in bed, but i have just updated my journal and i'm not that tired yet. Well, i am tired, but i'm not arsed about going to bed yet. I hope i manage to stay up quite late tomorrow. I need to make sure i get some amusing drunken pictures! Ha! I hope a 4GB is enough storage for photos. If not though i'll just have to transfer them to my laptop when my CF cards get full.
My guinea pig is looking pregnant. She has two bumps on either sides of her that she didnt have before. It's not definate yet though, i suppose i'll have to wait a couple of weeks before it's certain, bless her. She's so cute!!
I've been relatively worry free this week really. I've heard the heartbeat a few times with my doppler and that has tide me over. Plus i've been busy thinking about the conference, so i haven't had time to worry! My next appointment with the midwife is on Friday.
It should only be two weeks at the most until i'm definately feeling the baby. I've had a few pokes here and there, but nothing to convince me 100% that it's the baby yet. I'm not wishing to time away though. I'm looking forward to it, but still cherishing each day i wake up and i'm still pregnant. :o)
Monday, 14 July 2008
13 weeks 5 days
Oh my goodness i can't be arsed to go back to work!!! I know i keep on whining on about this, but i can't help it. It's not right that i feel this way. I never feel this way!!! I've come home for lunch and i'm sat here just simply not wanting to go back.
I'm going to work out how many working days i have left to cheer me up... Okay... 11 weeks until maternity, but i have a week off, so that's 10 weeks, which is 50 days. Take off my other random holiday days (7) and that's 43 days... take away a bank holiday... 42 days. Okay. 42 and a half days left. ::sigh:: I don't think that makes me feel better.
If we could afford it i would so quit tomorrow.
I'm going to work out how many working days i have left to cheer me up... Okay... 11 weeks until maternity, but i have a week off, so that's 10 weeks, which is 50 days. Take off my other random holiday days (7) and that's 43 days... take away a bank holiday... 42 days. Okay. 42 and a half days left. ::sigh:: I don't think that makes me feel better.
If we could afford it i would so quit tomorrow.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
13 weeks 2 days
Wow! Rollercoaster of emotions this past few days!! I'll give you it in a "shit sandwich" as a great trainer lady once advised me when doling out negative things. Plus, there are some genuine positive things too and it's all in chronological order anyway, so keeps it neat.
Monday was scan day and we went to a private scanning clinic 2 hours away from home. It was a long day, but such a worthwhile journey! The guy that did the scan was amazing. So caring and thorough and genuinely concerned about what he was doing. He checked my placenta over and blood flow through the cord. He checked for Vasa Praevia, valamentous cord insertion and a succenturiate lobe on the placenta and gave me the all clear for all of those. He also checked the nuchal fold and other things for signs of down syndrome and then gave me a risk of 1 in 11000.
The best thing he said was that if he didn't know my history he would say that he was looking at a perfect, normal, low risk pregnancy.
Baby was moving the whole time he was scanning and looked beautiful. We could see it's fingers and toes and its profile. It's heart was checked and stomach etc. and its measurements were taken. It measured 12 weeks 3 days, which was 2 days ahead of the date i got from my ovulation chart. It's nice to skip a few days though, so i moved my due date. So i was then due on 16th January 2009!
We even got to see the baby in 3D!! And we got two pictures - a normal scan pic and a 3D one!! Then to top it all off we got a DVD of the whole thing!! I have watched it 5 times already and the family have had a screening.
When we got home i was knackered, but i 'facebooked' the pregnancy and called our families to let them know everything was okay. I really feel a lot lot lot lot better now. I feel like i can finally accept that this is happening to me and that maybe, just maybe we might end up with our healthy baby this time. I'm not getting carried away in unchecked hope, but i am feeling more positive, that's for sure.
Thank goodness i didnt experience the crap of Tuesday a day earlier because i would have murdered the person who spoiled that day for me!
Tuesday i cut ties with a friend. Funny how you think you know people and they turn out to be nasty.
So anyway, another positive is that i had a great dating scan yesterday and they put my new due date at 14th January 2009, making me 13 weeks and 2 days today! I skipped 4 days!! :o)
We are working on sorting out the back bedroom so that i can set the nursery up in there. We weren't going to do it until after the baby comes, but i want to do it now! We're going to paint big circles on one wall in colours matching the nursery bedding we got from Mothercare.
One of my oldest friends is getting married next year!! I'm so excited! I went to her house last night to talk about hen do plans and i am sad that i can't go to London with everyone, but i'd rather be at home with baby. They understand that. I'm just looking forward to the wedding so i can practice taking wedding pictures if they'll let me!!
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
11 weeks 3 days
Today i am feeling a little more positive. My belly has grown, i have a little more energy and i was a little more motivated at work today.
Yesterday i tidied all my desk, did my filing and sorted out all my pending jobs. Then i got home and tidied the living room. I wonder if i'm nesting already...? LOL! Typical husband comment though. He got home and saw that i was tidying up and he said "What you tidying for, is someone coming round?" He he he!
I can't stop thinking about my scan on Monday. In what way will it be different to an NHS one? Will he find a marginal cord insertion or will everything be okay? Will my placenta be in the right place or low again? Only 5 more sleeps until we find out!!
I need to start sorting out the nursery, but at the moment it's full of my crap - clothes, make up, handbags etc. I'm currently using the nursery chest of drawers and wardrobe to store my stuff, so i have no idea where it will go when i turf it out for baby stuff to go in!! Then there's the practical aspect of what clothes i get ready. I have neutral stuff of course, but most of it is either pink or blue and since we're not finding out the sex what do i leave in the nursery and what do i pack away?? I might just leave the neutral stuff out and then get either pink out or blue when (if) we bring the baby home.
Am i allowed to get excited? I did a bit when i was typing then and thinking about getting the nursery into shape...
Oh well, this baby has got to come out of me at some point. It's in there now. Statistically speaking we should be okay, but who am i kidding - statistics hate me! I never would have thought my whole life that i would crave simple normality the way i crave it now.
Yesterday i tidied all my desk, did my filing and sorted out all my pending jobs. Then i got home and tidied the living room. I wonder if i'm nesting already...? LOL! Typical husband comment though. He got home and saw that i was tidying up and he said "What you tidying for, is someone coming round?" He he he!
I can't stop thinking about my scan on Monday. In what way will it be different to an NHS one? Will he find a marginal cord insertion or will everything be okay? Will my placenta be in the right place or low again? Only 5 more sleeps until we find out!!
I need to start sorting out the nursery, but at the moment it's full of my crap - clothes, make up, handbags etc. I'm currently using the nursery chest of drawers and wardrobe to store my stuff, so i have no idea where it will go when i turf it out for baby stuff to go in!! Then there's the practical aspect of what clothes i get ready. I have neutral stuff of course, but most of it is either pink or blue and since we're not finding out the sex what do i leave in the nursery and what do i pack away?? I might just leave the neutral stuff out and then get either pink out or blue when (if) we bring the baby home.
Am i allowed to get excited? I did a bit when i was typing then and thinking about getting the nursery into shape...
Oh well, this baby has got to come out of me at some point. It's in there now. Statistically speaking we should be okay, but who am i kidding - statistics hate me! I never would have thought my whole life that i would crave simple normality the way i crave it now.
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