14 weeks 1 day

It's the conference at work tomorrow so i've been planning for that all week. It should be really good! I'm taking the photographs, which i will really enjoy and it will keep me occupied while everyone else is getting pissed and lairy.

I'm up quite late to say i'm a preggo. It's quarter to 11 so i should definately be in bed, but i have just updated my journal and i'm not that tired yet. Well, i am tired, but i'm not arsed about going to bed yet. I hope i manage to stay up quite late tomorrow. I need to make sure i get some amusing drunken pictures! Ha! I hope a 4GB is enough storage for photos. If not though i'll just have to transfer them to my laptop when my CF cards get full.

My guinea pig is looking pregnant. She has two bumps on either sides of her that she didnt have before. It's not definate yet though, i suppose i'll have to wait a couple of weeks before it's certain, bless her. She's so cute!!

I've been relatively worry free this week really. I've heard the heartbeat a few times with my doppler and that has tide me over. Plus i've been busy thinking about the conference, so i haven't had time to worry! My next appointment with the midwife is on Friday.

It should only be two weeks at the most until i'm definately feeling the baby. I've had a few pokes here and there, but nothing to convince me 100% that it's the baby yet. I'm not wishing to time away though. I'm looking forward to it, but still cherishing each day i wake up and i'm still pregnant. :o)

13 weeks 5 days

Oh my goodness i can't be arsed to go back to work!!! I know i keep on whining on about this, but i can't help it. It's not right that i feel this way. I never feel this way!!! I've come home for lunch and i'm sat here just simply not wanting to go back.

I'm going to work out how many working days i have left to cheer me up... Okay... 11 weeks until maternity, but i have a week off, so that's 10 weeks, which is 50 days. Take off my other random holiday days (7) and that's 43 days... take away a bank holiday... 42 days. Okay. 42 and a half days left. ::sigh:: I don't think that makes me feel better.

If we could afford it i would so quit tomorrow.

13 weeks 2 days

Wow! Rollercoaster of emotions this past few days!! I'll give you it in a "shit sandwich" as a great trainer lady once advised me when doling out negative things. Plus, there are some genuine positive things too and it's all in chronological order anyway, so keeps it neat.

Monday was scan day and we went to a private scanning clinic 2 hours away from home. It was a long day, but such a worthwhile journey! The guy that did the scan was amazing. So caring and thorough and genuinely concerned about what he was doing. He checked my placenta over and blood flow through the cord. He checked for Vasa Praevia, valamentous cord insertion and a succenturiate lobe on the placenta and gave me the all clear for all of those. He also checked the nuchal fold and other things for signs of down syndrome and then gave me a risk of 1 in 11000.

The best thing he said was that if he didn't know my history he would say that he was looking at a perfect, normal, low risk pregnancy.

Baby was moving the whole time he was scanning and looked beautiful. We could see it's fingers and toes and its profile. It's heart was checked and stomach etc. and its measurements were taken. It measured 12 weeks 3 days, which was 2 days ahead of the date i got from my ovulation chart. It's nice to skip a few days though, so i moved my due date. So i was then due on 16th January 2009!

We even got to see the baby in 3D!! And we got two pictures - a normal scan pic and a 3D one!! Then to top it all off we got a DVD of the whole thing!! I have watched it 5 times already and the family have had a screening.

When we got home i was knackered, but i 'facebooked' the pregnancy and called our families to let them know everything was okay. I really feel a lot lot lot lot better now. I feel like i can finally accept that this is happening to me and that maybe, just maybe we might end up with our healthy baby this time. I'm not getting carried away in unchecked hope, but i am feeling more positive, that's for sure.

Thank goodness i didnt experience the crap of Tuesday a day earlier because i would have murdered the person who spoiled that day for me!

Tuesday i cut ties with a friend. Funny how you think you know people and they turn out to be nasty.

So anyway, another positive is that i had a great dating scan yesterday and they put my new due date at 14th January 2009, making me 13 weeks and 2 days today! I skipped 4 days!! :o)

We are working on sorting out the back bedroom so that i can set the nursery up in there. We weren't going to do it until after the baby comes, but i want to do it now! We're going to paint big circles on one wall in colours matching the nursery bedding we got from Mothercare.

One of my oldest friends is getting married next year!! I'm so excited! I went to her house last night to talk about hen do plans and i am sad that i can't go to London with everyone, but i'd rather be at home with baby. They understand that. I'm just looking forward to the wedding so i can practice taking wedding pictures if they'll let me!!

11 weeks 3 days

Today i am feeling a little more positive. My belly has grown, i have a little more energy and i was a little more motivated at work today.

Yesterday i tidied all my desk, did my filing and sorted out all my pending jobs. Then i got home and tidied the living room. I wonder if i'm nesting already...? LOL! Typical husband comment though. He got home and saw that i was tidying up and he said "What you tidying for, is someone coming round?" He he he!

I can't stop thinking about my scan on Monday. In what way will it be different to an NHS one? Will he find a marginal cord insertion or will everything be okay? Will my placenta be in the right place or low again? Only 5 more sleeps until we find out!!

I need to start sorting out the nursery, but at the moment it's full of my crap - clothes, make up, handbags etc. I'm currently using the nursery chest of drawers and wardrobe to store my stuff, so i have no idea where it will go when i turf it out for baby stuff to go in!! Then there's the practical aspect of what clothes i get ready. I have neutral stuff of course, but most of it is either pink or blue and since we're not finding out the sex what do i leave in the nursery and what do i pack away?? I might just leave the neutral stuff out and then get either pink out or blue when (if) we bring the baby home.

Am i allowed to get excited? I did a bit when i was typing then and thinking about getting the nursery into shape...

Oh well, this baby has got to come out of me at some point. It's in there now. Statistically speaking we should be okay, but who am i kidding - statistics hate me! I never would have thought my whole life that i would crave simple normality the way i crave it now.

11 weeks 1 day

We went to see the Consultants Registrar at the hospital today. The actual Consultant is on holiday, but i'll be seeing her two weeks today. The appointment went well and the Registrar went through our history and really took his time to understand what happened to us.

He talked about plans for delivery in brief and said that they would try to balance taking the baby as soon as is safe without it being too premature, but we would discuss that in more detail later on. He told me that i will be getting scanned every 4 weeks after my anomoly scan and i will be seeing the Consultant often.

I feel reassured and pleased that they are going to be keeping a close eye on me.

I'm going to try try try to be more positive and think positively. I just daren't hope. For some crazy reason i feel like if i let myself hope for a good ending, or even imagine taking a baby home it will be that much harder if the worst happens! I can't think like that. I need to try to take some happiness and joy from this otherwise it's going to be the most miserable remaining 5 months of my life!!

So last night i thought i felt something in my belly... Then today i felt something for definate. I'm just not certain it's the baby. In fact, i'm thinking that it's likely not. I mean, it was in the right place and everything and it certainly felt like early baby movements, but i'm not at all sure. Isn't it too early? On saying that though, i could be a little further along. My EPADS scan put me at a couple of days ahead to what i guessed through ovulation. I would be 11 + 3 today going by my scan. Oh well, i guess i'll get a better idea of date after my scans next week. For now i'll just continue to be completely unsure about the movement...

11 weeks

Can't sleep! I've been laying in bed for ages just milling things over in my mind. I hate it when that happens. Kept thinking about when our son passed away and the things i should have done but didn't. Like when i didn't stay with him long enough when he was in special care. I didn't see him really alive for long enough. Then when he died i didn't go with the nurse to wash and dress him and i should have done.

I was also thinking about my friend who has just had her baby at 37 weeks today and they're almost certain he has down syndrome. I feel terrified for her. He is in special care at the moment, but he has problems with his heart and his red blood cells. It's so not fair. His mum says that she feels like it's not her life. I know that feeling. The numbness. I hope he does well in special care. I know that the seriousness of his condition varies quite a bit. I'm praying so hard that he will be okay.

My other friend with the premature twins is doing okay. The girls heart stopped today and they are up and down a lot, but they're fighting on.

Thinking about this pregnancy and the baby growing inside me does not often give me joyous feelings. I hate that i feel that way. Tonight i tried to imagine taking a healthy baby home with me and seeing him/her smile and hear them cry for the first time and i can't. It just doesn't feel like it will happen. It's easier and seems more likely to imagine that we will have another loss. Whenever i think of the future of this pregnancy it's with a heavy heart and a sense of sad inevitability. I just can't picture a happy ending.

We have an appointment with the consultant at the hospital tomorrow and i have a list of questions to ask. We haven't been told what the meeting is about, but i'm guessing it's to discuss my care. Although, of course i have been having thoughts of getting there and the consultant telling me that my notes say the chances for this baby aren't good and it will be touch and go all the way through. Of course i think that. I think of every single bad scenario i possibly can! I'm still secretly thinking that the baby has already died inside me.

Will i ever, ever have something positive to write? I'm sick of writing and feeling like everything is going to go wrong. I have no hope, but a tiny fraction and it's wearing me down. I had no idea it would be this hard. It wasn't this hard last time.

10 weeks 6 days

I've got diarrhea. We had a Chinese take away last night and then i woke up at 3am with terrible stomach cramps. I had a runny poo and the cramps went away until i ate lunch today and they came back. I've been on the toilet for hours with cramping in between.

I called the NHS Direct for advice and the nurse there said to drink plenty and avoid too much protein and fatty foods. She said if the symptoms get worse in a few hours i have to call back.

Do i need to mention how worried i am? The last time i had diarrhea while pregnant my daughter died inside me 2 days later.