26 weeks 5 days

I went to bed last night and the baby wasn't as active as usual, so i held my breath between each kick, thinking that another one wasn't going to happen. Then i woke up this morning and the baby didn't kick at all. I got up, made breakfast, checked out the message boards for a while and still no kicks. Then all of a sudden, an hour after i woke up the baby did a big kick...

...and i burst into hysterical tears of relief!

It shouldn't be like this, it's not fair. I know i keep on harping on about what is fair and what is not, but it ISN'T fair that this has been ruined for us. Anyone else gets pregnant, is cautious for the first twelve weeks and then gets excited and starts buying up every baby shop in town, their parents come with gifts for the baby, they have a baby shower, decorate the nursery and everything else. I am fed up of being too scared to even allow myself too many daydreams about what it will be like once baby is here. I haven't made any plans or pictured what it will be like bringing baby home because i daren't. I'm too scared to even talk about the baby in a definite future tense. Instead i litter conversations about the future with words like "hopefully" and "God willing" and "if we're lucky" and i'm constantly touching wood. I don't want to be so terrified anymore!

I'm even fed up of hearing my own internal whine about how unfair it all is. I'm not usually a petulant person, i swear. I understand that things aren't easy for everyone and there are far, far more people out there with far worse problems than us. I do need to remember this, i know.

26 weeks 4 days

I worked out that if i have my c-section on 29th December i only have 78 days left!!! OMG!!

So i really need to get a move on with the nursery and everything. I've started looking at packing the baby's bag and mine has been packed for ages. I've re-opened it though to include more stuff like breast pads etc. I've also put my button down nighties in there for when i'm (hopefully) breastfeeding.

Aaaah!!! I daren't even begin to imagine that this might actually happen! Would it be wrong of me to get too excited? Would it matter if i did? Would i be even more upset if we loose this baby just because i allowed myself to get excited?

GAH! Why can't this be straightforward for us? It's not fair.

26 weeks 3 days

Okay, so i'm not as pissed off about work as i was yesterday. I was having a bit of a moment i think. Got to love these raging hormones!!

The baby should weigh about 2lb by now, which is a fab weight! I can certainly tell i'm carting a person round with me now! LOL!

On the boobie front i keep on getting sharp shooting pains there. I remember them from my previous pregnancies, so it's obviously something to do with getting ready to lactate, but it hurts!! Sometimes they take my breath away!

26 weeks 2 days

Will work never leave me alone? I am such a fucking mug. I agreed to do some work at home right up until Christmas because it's not a huge load of work to do, it doesn't have to be done every day and the company need me to do it so that i can take an exam in November and help them get accredited. I felt like i owed them because they let me go on maternity leave early, but now i'm regretting it. It's like i've finished work, but i'm still tied to it, so i can't completely get free. I have to worry about a sodding EXAM for fucks sake! In November!!! I don't want to do it! Why am i such a pushover? My husband usually gives the worst advice when i complain about work, which always comes in the form of "just tell them to fuck off!" I think this time he would be right.

I feel like i have to be eternally grateful to them because i have a company car, which they let me keep while i'm on maternity leave. Plus, i've been off and on maternity leave a few times and they've let me come back to decent jobs. But on saying that stuff, i have earned the car and i know a shit load about the company, so i deserve to get the good jobs! It's not like they give me responsibility when they shouldn't! I get no pension, only 20 days holiday, no bonus and a below average basic wage. I OWE THEM NOTHING!!

Sigh.

I know what i'll do though. I'll keep my mouth shut, continue doing this extra work while i'm on maternity and i'll go into the exam stressing about it, because that's who i am. Mug.

Thinking about this has put me on a right downer. I wish wish wish i'd never said "You can ring me" or "just email me of you need anything" or "sure i'll carry on with this job."

I'm going to see what crap i've Sky plussed that might cheer me up and help me to forget.

26 weeks 1 day

It was my follow up appointment at the diabetic clinic today and all was well. They are happy with my blood sugars and say that i should continue as i am and they will see me again in a few weeks, on the 30th. I got my blood drawn to check for the long term view of how my body has been dealing with sugar over the past 3 months.

All the usual midwife checks were done - urine, blood pressure, belly measurement etc. My urine was clear, BP was 85/60 and my belly measures 27cm, which is equal to 27 weeks. So i'm bigger than i should be, but not by enough to be concerned about. I've put on 0.3 kilos since last week, which is also not a bad weight gain - it's hardly anything!

So i cancelled my standard midwife appointment that was due tomorrow because there was no need to get all those check done two days in a row. I'm at a growth scan in two weeks as well, so i won't need to go to any standard midwife appointments for a while.

26 weeks

I have only been to this point in a pregnancy once before.

My belly is getting pretty huge still and i'm groaning more when i move, stand, sit etc. It's all good though. I'm loving every less than comfortable second of it!

I feel happiest when i wake in the morning knowing that i have no responsibilities and no obligations and i feel the baby move for the first time that day. I smile so big inside! I have no pressure to do anything except take care of myself and this baby and i have all the time i need to daydream and fuss and worry to my hearts content without feeling like i should be concentrating on something else. It's wonderful!

My baby is my life and i wouldn't have it any other way.

25 weeks 6 days

The baby is kicking like mad right now!! Mum was super-cute and patient with me as i got my belly out tonight and asked everyone to watch it until it moved. The hubby usually gives me ten seconds of attention and then his eyes wander back to the TV. Ha!

We had dinner at my sister and her boyfriends place tonight and it was delish! I am sooo stuffed though now and we're not used to eating so late, so i just know that as soon as i lay down in bed i am going to end up with the worst heartburn!! I think i'll prop myself up to sleep.

The husband and i were discussing having kids tonight in general and i said "If we loose this one too shall we just take the hint and not bother with kids? We could have a fabulous house filled with tons of nice stuff and go on great holidays every year!" I wish it were as easy to just flick the family switch off as forcefully as it flicked itself on! It would be nice to think that we could go back to having the mindset of a 21 year old (us as 21 year olds) and not want this so badly. Then maybe it won't hurt so much when it all goes tits up again.